How do you make divorce less traumatic for children? We asked an expert

The idea that we could traumatise our children, in any way, would cause even the hardest of parents to weep. There is nothing more precious in the world than our little ones. Yet we have been diving headfirst into court battles with our ex-spouses for almost three decades. Traditional divorce and the effects of divorce have been swept under the carpet for far too long. Divorce is on the increase in Ireland and is not going anywhere. Making a choice when we are hurt not to cause any more pain is far more complex than it may first seem.

We have been programmed to believe that we will receive justice in court, that somehow wrongs will be corrected. It has been part of our psyche to want justice for our hurt; it is the most natural reaction to pain. However, this does not apply to family law. As a society, we have carried the shame of failure around marriage breakdown. This shame may be a large reason why we have been slow to discuss our divorce experience. Our journeys of divorce have been traumatic and we are slow to relive trauma.

It’s time to rewire our brains to best deal with divorce! How should we deal with our divorces in the best interest of our children and ourselves?

Let’s, for a moment, imagine a court case, imagine the serious stress, the anxiety and pain. If you had a choice, you wouldn’t choose it for yourself or a loved one. You would never choose pain for your children.

When our relationship comes to an end, it can have a catastrophic effect on our lives. It has been compared to grief, and we do grieve the life we thought we would have. Divorce carries shame and it is something we can feel very awkward talking about.

There is much we can do to reduce trauma for our children, once we understand what is involved in divorcing our spouses and what our options are. The reality is, divorce through the courts is a court case, a claim, a battle with your ex-spouse. It is adversarial and it is extraordinarily painful. The level of pain can range from causing us stress to causing us profound psychological and emotional distress. Alongside emotional stress, court cases can cause financial instability. Costs can range from tens of thousands for less complex cases to hundreds of thousands for cases taken to the high court. We need to be fully aware of what exactly we are doing when we are making decisions that will affect our children and ourselves for years to come.

Stress significantly affects our health by triggering the body’s fight or flight response. This response is beneficial in the short term, but long-term stress can have severe and damaging effects on nearly every system in our bodies. When we are under stress, our bodies release hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This is meant to give us a quick burst of energy and alertness. However, when these hormones remain elevated for too long, they can lead to a range of physical health problems. Anxiety is a natural human emotion that involves feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. It is a normal response to stress, but it can become a mental health concern when excessive and persistent.

So we understand that stress and anxiety go hand in hand with divorce and that stress and anxiety can cause serious health concerns. When is the penny going to drop that we are inadvertently causing stress and anxiety to our children? I know that might sound hard, but we need to understand that if we are not okay, neither are our children. What is it going to take for us to stop battling our spouses? We need to have it in neon lights: it causes unnecessary stress and trauma to our children.

It has become clear that the traditional route to divorce in Ireland is long overdue an overhaul. Divorce has been legislated in Ireland since 1996, allowing for people in Ireland to divorce after two years of separation. But the reality is that achieving divorce in Ireland has simply been torture for so many couples for way too long.

Current legislation on divorce states that ‘correct provision should be made for parties to divorce’. This might sound vague, and it most certainly is. This only serves to allow each side to build a case. Time and time again, we hear that the only people who benefit from our divorces are the legal professionals, and unfortunately, I must agree. It is certainly not to the benefit of our children.

We live in what’s referred to in law as ‘a no-fault state’. In other words, the bad behaviour of one or other of the parties does not matter. Should either party have had numerous affairs throughout the marriage, it doesn’t affect the outcome of what is referred to in law as ‘correct provision’. The bad behaviours are regularly discussed by parties with their solicitors, but these conversations do not serve to help achieve amicable agreements. It is my experience that these conversations regarding our spouses’ bad behaviours with legal teams, along with legal representatives engaging private investigators, only serve to inflame hurt and prolong unnecessary cases.

How we deal with divorce must change. The legislators in government have made strides with the introduction of the Mediation Act in 2017, but more can be done and hopefully we will have improvement in the near future.

For divorcing parents in Ireland, the most beneficial path for their children’s wellbeing is an amicable route to divorce. Mediation is the most effective route to an amicable, legally binding agreement available to separating and divorcing couples in Ireland today. Mediation does not see the need for the parties to engage in a court case. We have a wealth of experienced professional mediators in Ireland in both the IPMO (Irish Professional Mediators Organisation) and the MII (Mediators Institute of Ireland), across the length and breadth of the country.

All family law solicitors are now legally obliged to advise clients to avail of mediation. Mediation is on the rise, and for very good reasons. An experienced separating couples mediator will see clients separately to begin with, and if necessary, for the duration of the mediation. Mediation will take the heat out of a dispute and find common ground. A mediator will make interim and long-term parenting agreements in the best interest of the family and help create a new way to parent.

Remember that a united front from the start is key to reducing trauma. Both parents should sit down with the children together, reassuring them that divorce is not their fault. Use age-appropriate language and remove any blame from the conversation. Establishing routine as soon as possible is found to be extremely helpful in supporting children through a transition period.

Although there is clearly more that needs to be done to improve how we divorce in Ireland, divorce truly does not need to be such a difficult process. Decide that a court case is the last resort. Be fully aware that divorce through the courts does not deal with our hurt; it simply cannot. Separating couples mediation is a highly successful alternative to a court battle with your spouse. Let’s encourage amicable divorce to our family members, our friends and our colleagues. Children deserve relationships with both parents after divorce without having to feel stress or anxiety. Let’s all work towards divorce in the best interest of our children. I truly believe when we know better, we will do better.