Dr Caroline West’s guide to talking to your teenagers about consent

Raising teenagers can be simultaneously rewarding and challenging – you’re proud of the person they are becoming as they grow up, but the modern one is a tricky one to navigate, from how to use social media to having healthy friendships.

A topic that is much discussed in our modern society is consent, but while we might know why it is important, it can be hard to know how to bring it up with our teenagers in a way that they will engage with.

We’ve asked Dr Caroline West, a sex and relationship expert based in Cork, for her expert advice. She holds a PhD and MA in Sexuality Studies, and postgraduate certificates in Cyberpsychology, Psychoanalysis, Stalking Awareness, and Sexual Consent & Health Promotion, has worked with victims of abuse, is the host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sexual wellness, and also works in the area of sexual violence prevention at university level. 

As a sexual wellness expert, how would you define consent?

Consent is ongoing, mutual, and freely given. It is the feeling of being safe to say ‘no’ and have that ‘no’ be respected. Consent is the freedom to decide who you want to be intimate with, and on what terms.

Why is consent such an important topic to discuss with teenagers?

We know from Irish research that young teenagers are already victims of abuse in relationships, and especially with how much time teenagers spend online, it is vitally important to discuss consent.

Part of the job of being a parent is to prepare your child for the world, and that includes protecting them from sexual violence by talking about consent, and talking about how consent culture is important for everyone. This also includes teaching teenagers about the choices they make in how they interact with each other, and how they treat their intimate partners and peers.

What’s the best way to approach the conversation?

It might feel as if you need to have all the answers, but it’s ok to admit that you don’t know everything but that you will commit to finding resources or answers to questions. The key is to have other resources to hand that are focused on this area, such as books or podcasts, or even referencing pop culture/celebrity moments which can feel relatable to your teen. Many little moments are much more efficient than one big talk. It’s also ok to admit that it feels awkward – this is a really good way to role model that authentic vulnerability that will help them engage in healthy relationships when they are older.

What age should our children be when we start this conversation?

Preparing children for adult relationships and being good humans starts at the early stages. You can teach your children about consent without ever mentioning sex – consent can be modelled in letting your children say no to hugs, or teaching them they shouldn’t hug anyone else without asking first. This sounds simple, but what this small act teaches them is that it’s normal to ask before touching anyone, and that consent is a part of basic respect and autonomy. When they are older, this foundation will help them build healthy adult relationships where consent is normalised.

Should it be both parents having the conversation or one-on-one?

It depends on the child, but taking turns talking about this topic can help make it easier and more equitable –  it’s everyone’s job to address sexual violence, and it’s all parents’ job to step up to chat with their child about this. Different parents will bring different perspectives and if you speak between you, you can decide which subjects you are both comfortable discussing. It also role models equal parenting for your child, and shows them that if they are ever in need of talking, they have both parents to turn to.

What are some common “don’ts” you recommend parents be mindful of?

Your child needs to be able to come to you if they feel upset by what they see online, or witness in real life, or take part in. If they don’t feel like they have that safe space, then their friends, porn, and the internet fill in the gaps for them, which is mostly not a positive way to find factual information. Showing that you might be uncomfortable but still be willing to show up for your child is key, as this will build trust.

The conversation needs to be as neutral as you can make it – if we make people feel shame or stigma or that they are ‘wrong’ somehow, this can lead to lifelong fears and worries about sex and expressing themselves.  It’s important not to judge your child for asking questions or for watching porn and talking to you –  it’s a sign they trust you and might have some worries. You being a soft, kind, informative good adult will help negate some of the influence from porn and all its violence and rigid gender roles.

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