‘Acknowledge that it will be different’ – how to cope with grief at Christmas

Traditionally, Christmas is a time of joy, of togetherness, of love. It is the definition of happiness wrapped in a yearly holiday. There are lights and laughter, music and carols, evenings spent with family and nights out with friends.  It is, as they say, the most wonderful time of the year.

Yet, for many people, the festive season can be one of the toughest times of the year, particularly for anyone who has been bereaved and even more so when facing the first holiday period without someone they love.

This festive season, the Irish Hospice Foundation (IHF) is encouraging everyone to look after themselves and those around them, recognising how challenging this time can be for anyone who is grieving.

Orla Keegan, Head of Bereavement at the Irish Hospice Foundation, says it can be an isolating time for those who are struggling, particularly when expectations to be simply happy at Christmas are so heightened.

“At Christmas, there can be a tendency for feelings to be heightened, not just the excitement, nostalgia or the joy of Christmas, but also, less visibly, there is more yearning, sadness, poignancy and tension, in particular for bereaved people,” she explains. “Perhaps because of the contrast to the relentless, happy and glittering images of Christmas, people who have lost someone and are grieving can feel particularly alone, remote and isolated, literally at a loss.

“Across Ireland, thousands of families will be marking their first Christmas without someone central to their lives. Others may be many years into their bereavement journey but still find this time of year unexpectedly painful. Grief doesn’t run on a clock, and Christmas, with all its traditions, expectations and memories, often heightens feelings that sit quietly during the rest of the year.”

Orla reminds us that we should not expect our grief to follow a specific pattern or stages, and reminds us not to put pressure on ourselves when it comes to how we think we should feel or cope.

“Grief comes when it comes,” she says. “When we say that grief is not tidy, we mean it doesn’t happen in stages and ordered sequences. If there is one thing that we should expect, it is to be ambushed by our feelings.

“You may spend the run up to Christmas dreading particular parts that you know will be painful, the family midnight mass without mam, the meal without Jane’s special Christmas starter; and yet it’s passing an innocuous pair of socks in the shop that floors you, overcome with the reality of the loss of your dad; or ‘Last Christmas’ comes on the radio and your tears come with it. All there is to do is go with it, allow yourself to feel what comes, be as good to yourself as you would be to a friend who was feeling this way and don’t entertain embarrassment.”

Orla and her team also offer the following practical and compassionate advice for the festive period.

Plan ahead

Acknowledge that Christmas will be different. Decide which traditions you want to keep and which might be too painful this year. Planning helps reduce the emotional weight of the ‘unknown.’

Keep things simple

Think about what’s realistic for you. A smaller gathering, a simplified meal, or fewer commitments may make the season more manageable.

Begin new traditions

If helpful, start a gentle ritual that honours the person who has died, like visiting their grave, lighting a candle, playing their favourite song, or including them in a toast.

Catherine Tierney is Bereavement Clinical Manager at Irish Hospice Foundation, and she notes that these small acts, known as continuing bonds, help people stay connected and often bring comfort: “Lighting a candle at the dinner table, visiting a special place, or doing something your loved one enjoyed – these can be lovely ways to feel close to them,” she explains.

Let others know what you need

If you are comfortable talking about the person who died, say so. If you prefer privacy, communicate that too. Others often take their cues from you.

Accept offers of help

Loved ones often want to support you but may not know how. Be specific – whether it’s minding children, walking the dog, or helping with shopping.

Prioritise rest

Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting. Schedule quiet time. Allow yourself to change your mind or leave gatherings early if needed.

Include children in the family

Children grieve too. Let them give input on the day. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel excited for Christmas and sad at the same time.

Don’t say silent

Many people avoid saying the wrong thing, but silence is often more painful. Catherine Tierney emphasises: “The worst thing is to avoid a grieving person. Keep it simple: ‘I’m so sorry – how are you doing?’ Whatever you do, don’t pretend nothing has happened.

“Mentioning the person who died, even if it brings a few tears, can be comforting. It shows that the loved one is remembered. Small gestures like a message, a check-in call, or a cup of tea can make a meaningful difference.”

Irish Hospice Foundation is encouraging anyone who is struggling this Christmas to reach out. IHF’s Bereavement Support Line is a free, confidential listening service at 1800 80 70 77 and is available Monday to Friday from 10am–1pm. For resources, articles and supports for adults and children, visit hospicefoundation.ie. Irish Hospice Foundation is a registered charity that has operated for almost 40 years in Ireland.  You can help to support its work by donating online at hospicefoundation.ie/donate.