28 things life (and Schitt’s Creek) taught me last year

Today is my birthday. 

This day, 29 years ago my mother lay groggily on a wheeled gurney, dozing in and out of consciousness after having a caesarean section. On the way from the theatre to her room, an autoclave for sterilising glass bottles (essentially a four-foot-tall pressure cooker) exploded. My dad was following behind, carrying me. According to my mum—who I’m amazed remembers anything at all given she was on very little pain medication—we were only a few feet away when razor-sharp shards of glass flew everywhere and the asbestos sheet roof above the autoclave shattered. It was quite the dramatic welcome into the world, I think you’ll agree. If you believe in signs, as I do, you’d probably say it was a wee bit ominous too. 

I’d like to say that sense of drama was short-lived but as the only white baby born in Zambia’s Monze Mission Hospital, I became somewhat of a celebrity. My parents—anticipating my arrival—had moved to Monze from Lusaka to be close to the hospital, but I was on my own schedule and after a month of daily walks trying to “get things moving”, the only thing they’d gotten was a town-full of new friends all eager to meet me. The locals christened me ‘Chilala’ (meaning ‘the late one’) and when word got out that I’d finally arrived, they showed up en masse to greet me – so many people came to visit that I developed a skin infection from being touched. The doctor discharged us after three days “for privacy” and that is the closest I’ve come to feeling like Britney Spears. 

A lot has happened since then. I’ve fallen and bruised, made good friends and bad and somehow ended up at 29’s front door. Most will tell you that with age, comes sense – there was a while there where I thought everyone had just unanimously agreed to pretend that was so; I was getting older but not much wiser. New wrinkles appeared by the week but brain cells weren’t regenerating quite as quickly. I felt jilted. The tide turned last year though and 2024 was a year of tough lessons… I should have been more careful what I wished for. But rough seas make good sailors as they say and I learned more in the past 12 months than in several other years combined. 

My family rarely indulge me in distilling my pearls of wisdom upon them, so I pray you satisfy me this one birthday wish: below, 28 things I learned last year:

1. You do not have to run a marathon just because everyone else is.
2. People who like raisins cannot be trusted.
3. Not everyone has correct opinions like you all the time.
4. Finding the perfect jeans is like free therapy.
5. Therapy you pay for is good too, even if you have to force yourself to go sometimes.
6. Talk ain’t cheap (see above).
7. Regular use of the Sligo to Dublin train line may cause insanity (hence need for therapy).
8. Progress isn’t always linear.
9. Cadbury Puds are elite.
10. People who top their Leap Card up by more than €20 in one go have more money than sense.
11. As an empath, sometimes you have to turn your feelings off – the weight of human suffering is too much for one person to bear.
12. Sheet masks are the sixth love language.
13. Eat more protein goddammit!
14. Squishmallows aren’t just for children.
15. Being cold is a waste of time. Just don’t engage.
16. Wax earplugs will change your life.
17. You thought you hated parsnips; The Pepperpot’s curried parsnip and coconut milk soup changed your mind.
18. Literally no one knows what they’re doing.
19. Sighing won’t fix everything but it definitely helps.

20. There is a life lesson in every episode of Schitt’s Creek… how to fold in cheese, hello?!
21. Don’t put off joy.
22. We should all aspire to be Hugh Grant (i.e. deranged and possessing a thinly veiled fury the envy of all).
23. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be lovely.
24. Sleep is the best (legal) performance-enhancing drug on the planet.
25. Exercise is the most underutilised antidepressant. Silly little mental health walks must continue.
26. It’s ok to change (your mind, your life, your outfit).
27. Dog is woman’s best friend too.
28. Don’t be so hard on yourself, babe.

Other half-baked ideas I found in my notes while brainstorming for this piece: 

• An old grocery list comprising: Greek yoghurt and firefighters (?)
• Another just with the word ‘toast’ 
• And finally, this line – “Dishonour on your cow” (Mulan supremacy) 

Do with those learnings what you will – some are sillier than others but ultimately, silliness is all we have left anyway. To quote Succession’s cousin Greg, who I, unfortunately, relate quite a lot to, “If it is to be said, so it be, so it is”. If none of that made sense to you, congratulations on having a life offline – I envy you. 

my happy birthday tomorrow, plz wish me? pic.twitter.com/uKq8m1QnLo

— bandar (@deefordaddy) February 10, 2023

Thank you and happy birthday to me.