What if we decided to see divorce as a conscious choice, rather than a failure?

Of course, emotional change is more challenging than a wardrobe change, but a change in our relationship status should not come with a serving of failure, guilt and a large side of shame.

In 1996, Ireland voted for divorce. This was only after a failed referendum in 1986. The failed attempt was by a wide margin 63% against to 37% in favour. The belief at the time was that marital breakdown would damage women and children and undermine the traditional family unit. The Catholic Church played a central role in opposing divorce in Ireland. Three decades later, our world has changed and divorce has become part of life. How we deal with it on a personal level is leaving a legacy of hurt and shame. There is a clear need to change how we all think about divorce in Ireland.

So, why is divorce smothered in shame and embarrassment in Ireland?

As a small progressive country, we have much to be proud of. Ireland became the first country in the world to legalise same-sex marriage by popular vote through the Marriage Equality Act 2015. In 2018, we held a referendum to remove the constitutional ban on abortion. We have socially transformed away from conservative norms with the historical influence of the Roman Catholic Church. However, stigma and a sense of failure around divorce in Ireland remains in 2025.

So why are people still suffering with this sense of shame? Why does divorce weigh so heavily as a failure? What can we do to change for the better?

For many generations, the traditional view of marriage was that it was an ‘institution’ built to last. It was to be an unbreakable bond. It was deep rooted in church and in society. It has been ingrained in society that marriage is what family looked like, and to break this bond—to divorce—was to break a family.

Marriages in trouble were to be saved, and if you couldn’t save your marriage, you failed. Separating couples and children of divorce were referred to (and still are) as children of broken homes. This has been the narrative around divorce and divorcees in Ireland for decades. Although many in society have adjusted their thinking on divorce, far too many people in Ireland are struggling with the feelings of failure when dealing with divorce.

Shame is insidious. It demands silence and judgement and it can make us feel alone. Brene Brown describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.” I concur that shame causes us to feel less. It’s a debilitating emotion that is intensely personal.

How can we combat the feeling of shame and failure?

Humans have judged other humans for the entirety of civilisation. We have an opinion on what we believe to be right and wrong and we have not been afraid to express ourselves. Should a marriage breakdown be subject to judgement? For me, the answer is a resounding no. Marriage and relationship breakdown is not a crime in Ireland and needs not to be a subject of judgement.

Changing your perspective on mediation shifts a conflict from a battle to an amicable resolution. When you alter how you view a situation, you change your emotional stance.

Marriages end for a myriad of reasons; infidelity, lack of interest in your partner, poor communication and many more reasons. Equally, marriages can continue after affairs, periods of lack of interest and throughout periods of poor communication. So, should you choose to continue with your married life after an affair, logically, you refer to the continuation of your marriage as a choice.

Equally, if you or your spouse chooses to end your marriage, that too is a choice. You could call it a failure, but why? For what gain? Your perspective has the knock-on effect of shifting emotion and shifting emotion is powerful.

Reframing is dealing with perspective. We make unconscious decisions every day based on how we see things. In the context of psychology and therapy, reframing is a technique that involves changing the way we view a situation, event or belief. It is about moving or shifting your perspective.

Reframing is a mental shift that can offer a new way of dealing with divorce. Looking at a divorce through the lens of failure doesn’t serve anyone. Reframing divorce will help us and our families.

The truth is, there are only two people in the relationship, and we have no business as a society in making a judgement on marriage and divorce of others.

The idea that people should alienate, judge and shame others is outdated and damaging. This behaviour often manifests as social isolation where friends distance themselves or when pity becomes condescension. References on broken homes and broken marriages need to stop for good. For far too long, society has judged differences and dictated what societal norms looked like. Almost three decades on, separation and divorce are part of what happens in the everyday lives of many in Ireland. Families in 2025 come in different shapes and sizes. We must deal with how we view and react to divorce in society without shame and judgement and the sense of failure.

Shame is not helpful to the parties, their children or the extended family. The phrase ‘the shame spiral’ is real. In the context of divorce, it can send us into destructive high-conflict litigation and can create an inability to compromise. It can fuel hostility and resentment or a need for revenge. Ultimately fuelling prolonged, expensive and unnecessary court battles. The need to find a new, more helpful perspective may be a challenge, but the benefits to addressing this challenge are wide-ranging. Consciously altering our viewpoint is not about changing reality; it’s about finding a more beneficial way forward. In the case of divorce and looking at things through a different lens, it’s for the benefit of ourselves and our families.

Empathy as an antidote to shame

Understanding shame around divorce in society may not be noticeable for many. After all, shame, failure and embarrassment create silence. Our societal role may, on some level, be unconscious. On the other hand, our personal feelings on our divorces as individuals who are experiencing them are very much conscious.

If there was to be one action, idea or quality I could implore for ourselves and society, it’s empathy. Empathy is described as the most potent antidote to shame. Could it be that simple? What if we exchanged judgement for empathy? Could we use empathy to reframe how we, as a society, deal with divorce? Could we allow ourselves to use self-empathy, to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would a dear friend? What if we use empathy as a way to reframe how we deal with divorce? What if we try?

To live with empathy is powerful. Let us use that power to reframe divorce, not as a failure, but as a conscious choice for change.

Michelle Browne is a Family Mediator with Browne and Co Mediation.