Mark Mehigan: ‘I’m ready to start dating again – what do I need to know?’

Q. Hi Mark, I’m finally ready to start dating again, after a long relationship. I feel like the rules have all changed now though – the last time I was single, people met in person. What do I need to know about dating today? Are the apps the only way of meeting people? I’m not sure I can face them, but I don’t know what else to do. Thanks, Sarah.

Sarah,

Fair play to you for putting yourself back out there. Having the confidence to do so is infectious and I’m sure it will make things a lot easier as you dip your toe into the occasionally murky waters of modern dating.

First things first – yes, the process of arranging dates has probably changed since when you were last single. That’s the bad news. Dating apps are everywhere and everybody feels compelled to use them whilst simultaneously lamenting the way things used to be. (Although it has to be said, the same applies for pretty much all of social media). The good news, however, is that the tide is beginning to turn. For a long time, the apps felt like a necessary evil. They were a means to an end. An unfortunate but mandatory hurdle to overcome in order to experience the joy of meeting someone new – the airport security of the romance world, if you will. I’ll stop the analogy there though, before I have to start mentioning liquids.

Nevertheless, lately, I’ve been receiving messages from people who are refusing to use dating apps anymore; they’re tired of the coma-inducing small talk and half-having conversations with strangers they will likely never meet. Simply, what is the point? You’ve got to wonder about the emotional ramifications of flippantly ‘swiping’ left or right on a person’s face and immediately dismissing their existence without allowing for any of the nuances that real-life encounters bring to the table either. It is a strangely cynical and detached way of seeking a connection, isn’t it?

When we are attracted to somebody in real life, so much of it involves their voice, the way they move, and the countless other tiny mannerisms that we aren’t even consciously aware of. At best with dating apps, you could say it’s window shopping, and at worst, it’s reviewing a movie without watching it. (If only there was a similar phrase about a book and judging its contents by the cover).

At best with dating apps, you could say it’s window shopping, and at worst, it’s reviewing a movie without watching it.

Dating in 2024

In terms of dating in 2024 and what you need to know;

Firstly, we will see a lot of the big dating companies pivot away from the apps and start putting money into ‘real-life’ experiences. They will sponsor hiking clubs, running clubs, movie clubs (I would love to be in charge of this one) and generally investing in communities. You will keep seeing that word everywhere.

In my opinion, this year will see the return of offline dating. Sometimes a culture has to hit a certain ceiling of sterility before new ideas and thoughts begin to emerge. I think that point has arrived for dating. Hinge, Grindr, Tinder, and POF will eventually use the fortunes they amassed as dating companies to resemble anything but. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Hinge sponsoring a stage at Coachella in the next three years. We’ve surpassed peak in the evolution of seeking connections and things are about to go back to basics.

Secondly, if I was to offer you any advice about meeting somebody, it would be to invest in yourself. I don’t mean ‘better’ yourself physically or buy new clothes – I mean put time into doing things that make you feel good about being you. Step away from the ‘known’ ways of dating, get off the internet and go to where the people are who do the things that you like doing. Refreshing an app to see if your daily allowance of ‘likes’ has been replenished whilst sitting at home on a Saturday evening in the hopes that you may be one swipe away from your true love is tempting but rarely results in big love. Nor does revisiting the same café down the road from your flat eight times a day just because you once saw a hot person in there in 2006, hoping they’ll come back again (I lost many years of my twenties to doing both).

Step away from the ‘known’ ways of dating, get off the internet and go to where the people are who do the things that you like doing.

When getting back into dating, I know it might be daunting. That’s perfectly okay. It would be weird if you weren’t nervous! It shows that you care. Somebody once said to me after a break-up to do one thing each week that I had never done before. It seemed infantile when I first heard it but two weeks later I found myself meditating on a beach in Dublin surrounded by 500 other strangers and realised I wasn’t as rigid or ‘set in stone’ as I thought I once was. Cultivating an open mind surrounding dating and our approach to meeting new people can often begin with simply saying yes to things that you’d usually decline. New surroundings and activities will almost certainly bring new people into your life. That’s the bottom line.

Everywhere we go there are people – it’s actually one of my biggest pet peeves – and all of these places there are single, kind, caring, horny, complicated and interesting individuals all in the exact same boat as you. Join a club. Start a new hobby. Do something different. Remove the self-imposed countdown timer in your head and give yourself time to meet the right person.

Most importantly; tell people that you are looking to date! Don’t keep it a secret. Dating is a great thing and the louder you are about it, the more opportunities will come your way. This will come as a shock to absolutely nobody reading this, but sometimes the way that dating is presented in Irish culture can be quite repressive. Once you reach a certain age, being single is almost viewed as a shortcoming. Of course, it’s not. And neither is seeking a partner. One thing that I have found from matchmaking and bringing people together over the last couple of years is that there are thousands upon thousands of people across the country dying to go out and meet people but just don’t know where to start. Age, gender and present circumstances are completely irrelevant. Many assume themselves to be ‘over the hill’ or ‘damaged goods’ due to having a past behind them. It’s nonsense. We all come with baggage. To be deemed eligible, you only need a pulse and good intentions.

Once you reach a certain age, being single is almost viewed as a shortcoming. Of course, it’s not. And neither is seeking a partner.

I think my first ever ‘date’ lasted about three and a half minutes, behind the rocks on a salty beach in Connemara. On that fateful day, Cupid came in the form of an overzealous teenager from Sligo with sunburnt forearms and a fistful of Spearmint Polo mints. “Will you kiss my friend?” It was both an order and a request. I was wearing an aftershave that I can’t quite recall now. I think it was either Dove 72 Hours Linen Fresh or maybe it was Febreze. I was nervous, excited, giddy, and a bit afraid. It wasn’t perfect and the best ones never are.

So get yourself out there. Anywhere.

(By the way – I would steer clear of ‘exclusive’ or ‘high-end’ matchmaking agencies that profess to offer a luxury or boutique service. They don’t. They will have you parting with your money and partnering with nobody. I receive enough messages from hard-done-by individuals every single week who have been conned into signing up for ‘consultations’, ‘personality tests’, etc and God knows what else only to be left alone on the weekends and wondering if it is something they themselves are doing wrong. So be careful out there and where you spend your money).

Are you looking for love? Are you sick of the apps? Do you need some advice about love and dating? If you have a question for Mark, send it in to [email protected] with the subject “Agony Uncle”, or DM @image.ie for advice straight from the Taoiseach of Grá himself.