I’m a people pleaser, is that really a bad thing?

What’s wrong with being a people pleaser, why do people use this phrase in such a negative context? Surely, it implies that you are essentially a good person trying to do good things for others? Wrong! People pleasers aren’t simply motivated by a desire to do things in order to make everyone around them happy. 

Those who suffer (and I used this word advisedly) from the “disease to please” are those who say yes when they really want to say no. Their insatiable need to be liked, to belong, forces them to use acts of kindness and people-pleasing ways in a misguided attempt to ingratiate themselves further.

I know this because for a very large part of my life I was that yes woman. I did everything for everyone even when it left me miserable. I avoided saying no for fear of being not needed.

What started in my teenager years, through my twenties and into my thirties was peak people-pleasing behaviour. If I am to be fully honest here, I’d have to confess it bordered on neediness, a trait that makes me shiver at the memory of my younger self. I said yes to everything that was asked of me. I went along with what everyone around me wanted while convincing myself it was the right thing to do. People-pleasing is essentially a mantra of “everybody else comes first”.

Changing habits

Almost ten years ago, I’d begun working with a coach and was stopped in my tracks by the simplest of questions. 

“What is it that you want? What really matters to you?” 

I hadn’t a clue what it was that I wanted. I realised that I had spent so long being informed by what others thought or expected of me, that I no longer knew what it was that I wanted. 

I recognised what I had always known deep down but had thus far ignored; even if I did every single thing that others expected of me, if I worked hard and did absolutely everything in my power to make others happy, it would really never be enough. 

What I craved most was what no one could give me – unconditional love and acceptance. I went in search of this elusive validation from others instead of spending that time working on and developing it in myself. In doing this I was saying to the world that their opinion of me was more important than my opinion about myself.

To begin my recovery, I had to get really clear and reconnect with who I was and accept that “no” was a complete sentence. In starting to say no I began to appreciate that it meant I was saying yes to myself. I also had to make others aware of what these new boundaries were going to look like. For the first time, I had to resist the notion that I was being selfish because I was now prioritising myself. 

Part of me will probably always want to be seen as the problem solver, the good girl, the one everyone gets along with. But the difference between who I was then and the woman I am now is a strong sense of who I am and everything that I choose to be and do flows from that place. I now know what it is that I want and exactly what matters to me and that has honestly been my greatest revelation.