We’ve read a lot of digests and lists about the New Year – among which Vice’s column on “How to Make 2014 better than 2013” ranks as our favourite – but tbh we are thoroughly fed up with the whole thing. Here’s why and here’s what you can do about it –
- You’re coming off the booze?Come back to us with evidence. We want the proof!
- Christmas reminded you that you hate your entire family?Official veto is out on emotional dumping.
- You have a muffin-top since carrying on like a wild boar over the holiday season?We were trying to be polite and not mention it, but if you must insist then yes, we’d noticed.
- You’re going to read a lot of books in January?It just highlights the fact that you normally don’t, so best avoid this one.
- You’re broke. Been broke since January 2010. Get in line.?
- Resolutions?Say anything you want just don’t use the word ‘resolutions? – you can be pro or against, just disguise what you’re saying by using different words (plans, aspirations, thoughts, whimsy, changes, epiphany) – We suffer from violent eye-twitchings and rigor mortis of the right arm when we hear the word? ‘resolution?.
If you want to win January try these –
- Stay perfectly silent and still if anyone engages in ‘January chat’?Stare into your soup if it happens when you’re having lunch, stare out the window if it happens in the hallways, cross the street if you’re going to bump into it, but it is imperative that you resist being a bore and the only way to do this is to pretend you haven’t heard or that you can’t respond. If you remain perfectly silent and still the other person will move on and the peril will have been avoided.
- Benedict Cumberbatch?Ain’t no thang #Cumberbitches
- South Sudan?Oh what’s this – it’s not my navel, it’s the world!
- The Summer?Why not. It always makes us feel happy.
- Woodland Critters?No one will see this one coming. And why don’t you have a goosey at La Hulotte while you’re at it.
- Talk about how happy you are with your body mass index, job, love life and general circumstances?Buck the trend and either infuriate onlookers or bring a bit of cheer to the January blues.