Is Wayne Lineker for real?

Lineker’s bizarre Instagram post looking for a new girlfriend got a lot of people talking

A personal ad looking for love always seemed to me like a sweet throwback to a more romantic time – you lay your cards on the table and hope that fate will present you with your perfect match, who also enjoys long walks on the beach and is a non-smoker.

But when a personal ad has no less than 26 criteria, including age, body type, and whether you can point out Lincoln on a map of the UK, it tends to drift away from romantic and more into the ‘is this person taking the piss?’ zone.

If you’ve never heard of Wayne Lineker before, here’s the explainer: Lineker (yes, brother of Gary) is a 58-year-old club owner based in Ibiza, who owns one of the most famous clubs on the island, Ocean Beach, among others. Lineker has been married before, and has four children, but has been single since 2018. According to his Instagram, Lineker spends most of his time taking selfies with patrons of his clubs, pushing girls into pools, and generally living the high life in Ibiza. He’s pretty much living the dream of every lad on his Leaving Cert holiday – except he’s 58 years old.

The reason Lineker hit the headlines this week is for the below Instagram post, where he appeals to his followers to help him find a new girlfriend. But not just any girlfriend – she has to fit the very specific bill.

“You have to be above 30… but not my age as that would just look weird.”

“No baggage as mine are all grown up” (assuming he means his kids here?)

“You must be able to cook as I love cooking, especially Waitrose ready made meals.”

“You must love the gym, health food and have body definition as I will have soon.”

“Be intelligent but not boring.” (i.e not smarter than me).

Lineker peppers the caption with mentions of his criteria being ‘just banter’, which I have no doubt that it is, if you have the sense of humour of a goldfish. Look, it’s obvious that Lineker is joking, but this type of humour is a little too accurate not to have some roots in the truth.

If Lineker was a regular 58-year-old living in a semi-d in the suburbs and posted the above as a bit of ‘tongue-in-cheek banter’, I’d well believe it – it’s a bit creepy, sure, but basically poking fun at himself. But since Lineker, by the looks of his social media, pretty much embodies all of the above sentiments, it’s hard to believe that he’d expect anything less than this dream woman – which is Stage Five creepy.

I’ve never been to Ibiza and I don’t think Ocean Beach is my type of scene. I 100% do not fit the criteria for Wayne Lineker’s potential girlfriend (thank Christ). And gladly, it seems many other women have taken to Lineker’s comment section to voice a similar sentiment.

One comment reads: “Hi wayne, Fay here from Rotherham, just dropping you a line as think we can be a match ? I think you’d love my HD stretch marks and the definition of my bingo wings. I have a child who loves to pretend to be a dog so no issues there. Have a driving licence and would also insure you on my Peugeot 3008 with dint in the side. Sounds like a offer you couldn’t refuse? Lots of love from your future queen of Ibiza.”

Now, that’s funny.