‘I love you, I just don’t want to live with you’

A win-win situation?

The pandemic has a lot to answer for. After we emerged, bleary eyed and dark-rooted from the long confinement of our banana-bread scented homes, a collective reckoning started to take place.

An oversized magnifying glass had been placed over our lives; from jobs to relationships, there was an abundance of thinking time.

Now, a few years on, the thinking and mulling has begun to translate into action. There was the Great Resignation. Then the Great Regret. Now, the Great Relationship Reassessment.

This led to breakups, as well as decisions to pursue new careers or avenues, but for some, it heralded a new model of how we define relationships. In other words, everyone started asking themselves if there was perhaps a better way to live our lives.

For some, it was a matter of simply wanting more space; literally and metaphorically.

“We’d spent the lockdown together which was lovely” admits Aisling, a teacher living in Galway. “But we were both working from home in a small apartment, with all our stuff and it was getting a bit cramped. We had to divvy up who got the living room desk at different times which was hard on the other.”

Aisling and her boyfriend decided, once working from home seemed to be continuing after the pandemic, to rent another apartment nearby so the other could work there. “We were lucky that we could afford to, but then he’d start to sleep over there if he was working late and then I started to rearrange things the way I preferred them at our other place and started enjoying the long evenings watching what I wanted to watch. Every other night I’d go to his place or he’d come to mine and we found ourselves really looking forward to it so we just kept the arrangement.”

Balance

Maintaining a marriage or relationship across two separate households isn’t easy. But… there are some cases where you got all the benefits of being in a couple, with none of the annoying bits.

Technically, by protecting your space and rationing your time together, you can possibly create a scenario in which you have the best of both worlds. There’s the luxury of deciding when and who comes into your home, and not living inside someone else’s emotional weather is appealing.

Overlooking the small matter of money, what is there not to like?

Famously, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton lived in a divided property in London with their children during their 13-year relationship. The actress said in an interview; “We just have two houses knocked together because mine was too small. We see as much of each other as any couple, but our relationship is enhanced by knowing we have our personal space to retreat to. It’s not enforced intimacy. It’s chosen, which is quite flattering – if you can afford it.”

That’s the crux of the issue. Often combining resources when you meet someone you want to spend your time with is a financial consideration.

Pushing for separate households is also tricky if children are involved.

A 2019 study published in The Sociological Review discovered that living far apart and greater satisfaction with a partner can increase the desire to cohabit in the future, and provide couples with a clearer vision of what a best-case cohabiting marriage would look like.

The same study found that in countries like Romania or Bulgaria, where families are more traditional, people saw a living-apart-together relationship as a transitory stage before marriage, whereas in countries like France, where the family structure is vastly more modern, living-apart-together relationships were seen as an alternative to the traditional family structure.

Best of both worlds?

As I navigate a similar terrain myself, friends often as if I’m lonely. It’s a surprising question. With a busy household to run, a full-time job, numerous hobbies and a long to-be-read book pile by my bed, it’s *whisper it* quite the treat. Of course, reunions are magnified and with more of a sense of occasion, the sweatpants are pushed to the back of the closet for a bit.

But as a society, there’s also much more of an acceptance of people forging their version of happiness in whatever way that works for them. Perhaps we realise that we no longer need the traditional family unit in ways it has existed previously. It’s a refreshing existence to call your own shots while having emotional support and partnership always within reach.

At the end of the day, gender roles, parental status, and the cultural and societal background of individuals all play a role in how every relationship evolves over time.