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Image / Self / Real-life Stories

‘I just want to live in peace like any other person without being worried whether I get attacked today or not’


By Amanda Cassidy
15th Feb 2020
‘I just want to live in peace like any other person without being worried whether I get attacked today or not’

Pavie was born a boy. But says that from an early age would dress up in their mother's clothes and perform for the whole family. Now, living as a transgender woman, Pavie says it is time for the performance to end and for others to realise that this is her life. 

I always knew I was different. In fact, I always stood out,” says Pavie, who was born in Czechia. “I spent a lot of confusing years. I wasn’t sure who I was.”

And although her family was loving and supportive, the environment surrounding her that she lived in didn’t allow her to be herself. “So I was a straight 17-year-old boy and if someone asked me whether I was gay, I’d say no!”

All my life I knew I was missing something, I felt empty and bored in some way. I knew there was something bigger, brighter and happier waiting for me but I couldn’t put a finger on it.”

So 18-year-old Pavie moved to Sydney. And it proved to be life-changing.

“With a new city, a new lifestyle came: I spent a lot of time on my own, became more independent and mostly felt free. I left prejudice and that close-minded mentality behind and started living the life I always wanted.

“I came to terms with the fact that I love men and I began living an amazing queer life. I started going out to the gay bars and performing in the clubs. I had the best time. I fell in love with Sydney. In Australia, I didn’t find just my identity and sexuality but also found my spiritual self.”

I just didn’t decide I was going to be a girl. It just happened. It felt right.

It was there that Pavie wrote her first book, Twenties and Happy. Still living as a man, Pavie now wanted a bigger change and moved to London.

“I started dressing up as a girl almost every time I went out, it just felt good, I enjoyed it. At this point, my expression was a border of drag and cross-dressing, I still loved my male body and I was comfortable in my skin when I got undressed.

Identity

“It was all just a bit of fun until January 2018 when I came out as a transgender woman. And this is what I want others to realise. I just didn’t decide I was going to be a girl. It just happened. It felt right. It wasn’t my choice. I had no choice. It was necessary. I started buying female clothes, I wore makeup every day, I started using female bathrooms, wearing a wig just to go to the shop, and mostly I got really offended when someone called me ‘he’.“

I cried when I looked in the mirror because the person who was there didn’t match with the person that I truly was

In fact, it got to the point where Pavie admits she couldn’t stand her male body anymore. “I cried when I looked in the mirror because the person who was there didn’t match with the person that I truly was, so I had to find professional help and cross-hormone therapy which I think saved my life as the physical and mental discomfort meant I couldn’t enjoy life anymore.

“At first, it was so hard to leave the house every morning, I was scared of people, I covered my face with glasses and a scarf. In public, I wouldn’t speak out loud as I was scared that my voice would give away that I’m transgender. I wasn’t ashamed, I just didn’t feel comfortable with myself.

“I wasn’t strong enough to talk about it and deal with anyone. But I began learning that self-acceptance is essential to love ourselves. I learnt that life is a constant transition, even if you are not transgender. We need to just try and enjoy the life that we have.

”It’s been over two years since I openly started living as a woman and despite all the struggles, it’s been a blessing.

“If you gave me the choice to be born as a woman I’d say no and would go through the same again because my crazy journey has made me a very strong woman I am today.

“My wish now it just to be treated equally like any other woman — with respect, without being asked intimate and personal questions. Without being laughed or pointed at. I just want to live in peace like any other person without being worried whether I get attacked today or not.”

Image via Pavie Valsa