‘I buy 6 more tests… because I am not a neurotic personality’ — Julie Jay’s hilarious pregnancy diary
21st Aug 2020
Comedian Julie Jay has been chronicling her pregnancy with a searingly honest, and laugh-out-loud funny, weekly diary.
When comedian Julie Jay discovered she was pregnant, she decided to document the journey from bump to baby with a weekly pregnancy diary called ‘A Pregnant Pause’.
Julie, who is expecting her first child with fellow comedian Fred Cooke, has been posting regular instalments on Instagram — and she’s fast gaining a following of mums-to-be who appreciate her no-holds-barred approach.
This is what happened during weeks 5 to 12.
Following a Twitter meltdown and some bizarre behaviours even by my erratic standards, I revert to my default teenage explanatory position of ‘maybe I’m pregnant’. Retiring to the Liffey Valley toilet cubicle of choice, I wait the requisite three minutes and turn over the white stick.
Is that… ? Could it be… ? A faint little second line? I convince myself it’s there in the same way the Sweet Valley twins convinced themselves they were identical — blind faith with complete disregard for visual evidence.
I buy six more tests because I am not a neurotic personality. Finally accepting I am up the duff I go on eBay and buy three religious medals because, again, that’s what rational people do.
I start talking to the little molecular speck, begging them not to go anywhere — a trick that has up to now NOT served me well in my dating past. I am determined to tell Fred I am with child because that’s what adults do.
However, we are currently living apart and as a result tend to meet in single dad hangouts like Costa and McDonalds, and as such I invariably end up feeling like I’m in a bleak Film Four drama and flake.
I finally tell Fred over an underwhelming crumble in Cornucopia (PLEASE, for the love of God, can people stop messing with crumble?). I think Fred responds with ‘Bye forever’ but he claims later he actually said ‘My forever’ which seems dubious at best.
He praises the randomness of the spot I chose to tell him and I praise his ability to find my one remaining egg. We’re all winners today.
As aforementioned, I am not a neurotic personality so in true non-neurotic form I have booked us in for an early scan. When we hear the heartbeat I have a little cry and Fred asks what sex it is.
When he’s told it’s way too early for that he diffuses the tension with a ‘Can it play the piano?’ and we attempt a mutual fake laugh but Mary the sonographer is having none of it.
I return from the loo to Fred reassuring Mary that no, Tommy really doesn’t know who the guests are and we all go on our merry way.
In a happy coincidence, the week when nausea is at peak is also the week my mother discovers the joys of cooking beef curry with banana on top. Everything smells EXTRA.
Our search for a rental home continues. We start out with serious notions and want things like working plumbing and curtains but as the hunt wears on we return to that bedsit we had previously poo-poohed because now ‘having the bed in the kitchen would actually be super handy!’
I am starting to feel Biblical levels of pre-birth rejection. I nickname Fred Joseph and I start wearing lots of blue.
Fred goes on holidays to New York because at this stage we all think Covid-19 is a Fine Gael hoax (thank you Danny Healy Rae). He returns, goes into full Black Mirror mode and tries to pretend he really missed me.
We debunk to Brandon in Kerry on the Friday. I feel like a fallen woman in a John B. Keane play, removed from society and forced to stay at least two meters away from townsfolk at all times.
When Fred commits and sets up his Nintendo it really sinks in — this is our home for the foreseeable. I eat a bagel (Reader, I ate three bagels) and explain to Bump that the house-hunting has been put on hold and in the time-honoured tradition of the land of saints and scholars, mommy and daddy will be signing on for a while.
One thing’s for sure, I muse to myself while washing my plate (Reader, I ate four bagels), this is going to make for a serious Reeling in the Years episode.
‘A Pregnant Pause’ continues next week. Follow Julie Jay on Instagram for weekly updates.
Read more: How to leave the house with 2 kids under 2: a really simple 50-step parenting plan
Read more: 20 things you should know before you become a parent
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