What the Fifty Shades Wine Tastes Like

If like us, you’ve been tracking every update on the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey, we have extremely exciting news for you.?The hottest upcoming movie franchise has released its own brand of wine. And according to our friends at Vanity Fair, who hired some of the world’s best sommeliers to review it, it’s a bit gross.

You’ll be delighted to know that the wine comes in both red and white (with the unfortunate names of Red Satin and White Silk, by the way.)

For Talia Baiocchi, editor in chief of drinks e-zine Punch, was extremely underwhelmed by how boring the red was, despite the wine causing an allergic reaction for her friend:

?In order to get a few more expert opinions in the mix I asked a few wine friends to taste with me. The universal note for the red?Red Satin, 2011?was ?tastes like red wine.?

?It is, unmistakably, red wine. But it is very little beyond that. It’s the sort of wine you order by saying, ?I’ll have the red,? and tastes like what you get in return on American Airlines. One person, I should note, broke out in hives.?

The white, she saw more as a ‘mom’s wine?: ?My mom would drink the shit out of this,? remarked one astute taster. This, I think, sums it up. It’s the kind of totally inoffensive white wine that tastes O.K. really cold that moms (many moms I know) generally start drinking around three P.M.?

However, their best review came from Grant Reynolds, wine director at Charlie Bird who summed up:

?This wine tastes like pain. I’d rather be flogged than have to drink this again.?

Joshua Nadel, beverage director for Andrew Carmellini’s NoHo Hospitality Group, master sommelier candidate gave us probably the most unique reaction:

?The white wine tastes like gummy peaches coated in bland movie-theater popcorn butter. Maybe use this as a lubricant??

If there was ever more reason to love The Fifty Shades of Grey buzz this is definitely it? The newest trailer has us a little excited too.

Hannah Popham @HannahPopham