13th Mar 2019
It’s a gloomy, grey day with scattered showers and a chilly wind. It’s the type of weather that calls for comfy clothes; more specifically, comfy pants. Have a read of this very special tribute to granny pants, as recently unearthed from the IMAGE archives
Ahh, granny pants. The old, reliable brief. An undergarment that covers your every dimple, pimple and stretchmark with the love and gentle understanding you’ve always deserved.
Maybe you’re on your period. Maybe you’re feeling a bit delicate after a night out, or maybe you just know today’s going to be a two-burritos-for-lunch kind of a day… Whatever the scenario, there’s no better feeling than a good pair of sturdy, self-assured and turbo-supportive undies when you need them most.
Reasons to love granny pants
Granny pants are the only undergarment I could ever describe with the same level of affection and fondness that I would my actual granny.
Part of the joy that comes with wearing granny pants lies in the fact they have no airs or graces about them. They pass no judgement; their only concern is to support and empower you to live your best life.
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A thong, in contrast, is like a sibling who always finds a way up your backside and hones in on your sensitive points; never failing to irritate and aggravate at the most opportune moment.
The perfect granny pant
The perfect pant will ideally cover your full buttocks and should reach up to the least flattering (but most satisfying) point on your midriff – ideally where your torso reaches its widest point. This isn’t to suck anything in; rather to support your girth in all its glory.
The fabric should be a good hearty cotton, maybe with a touch of polyester thrown in, if you’re feeling frivolous.
But never forget that practicality is key. Be sure to go for at least two sizes bigger than you’d usually pick. This is comfort with a capital ‘C’ – there’s no time for mental hangups about label sizes or chaffing.
As for colour, the more beige the better. Patterns and motifs are of course allowed, but too many of these niceties will risk you teetering into ‘pretty pants’ territory, and thus will disqualify you from inclusion into the Granny Pants Posse.
Bridget, the patron saint of granny pants
Bridget Jones was the first loud and proud champion of the granny pants, there’s no doubt about it.
She showed the world that Spanx are not a necessary requirement to bagging your boo (because as we all know, Spanx will only give you indigestion and make your flesh feel like overflowing dough from a baking tin).
Embracing the sexiness (or lack thereof)
At least with granny pants, everyone knows where they stand. This particular type of undergarment isn’t designed to make you feel sexy; rather, they’re designed to make you channel your own inner sexiness, without a moment’s thought. You’re sexy because you f**king rock, not because your pants are covered in jewels, or because they barely cover 10% of your bottom.
Granny pants take out the middleman of self-confidence sorcery; ensuring there is no doubt as to whether it’s you, or your saucy undies, that your partner is digging (a pretty important difference to establish if you ask us).
Granny pants are as ugly an undergarment as you can possibly get, and yet there’s something distinctly gratifying in knowing you’re not trying to impress anyone, not trying to suck anything in, not trying to smooth anything out.
You are simply making your own comfort a priority, and it’s for this reason that I identify the wearing of granny pants to be a supreme act of self-love.
So, go forth to Marks & Spencer or Dunnes Stores (or wherever your granny buys her briefs), and embrace the righteous, rambunctious feeling that comes with donning a pair of huge, hideous undies.
You and your bottom will never look back.
Photo: Bridget Jones’s Diary
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