Welcome to the Serious Bathers Club.
Are you ready to take your bath to the next level? Whether your tub is more plastic than claw foot, or your bathroom is more asbestos than aspirational, anyone can have an extraordinary, notions-filled, maximalist bath.
First things first.
Tidy your bathroom
We’re redesigning into a spa here, so wash the toothpaste off your taps, clean the mascara off your mirror and declutter the cotton wool from your countertops. If your bathroom light is so blindingly bright it could induce a panic attack, gather all the candles in your house and get lit. Clean your tub. Try a free trial on Audible and pick out an audiobook. Don’t have one of those fancy bath trays you always see the influencers posting on Instagram? Grab a cheeseplate, a skateboard, a hunk of wood from the back garden. Fill up your new tray with the fancy candle you never lit, mix yourself a Quarantini or make a cup of tea, grab the novel that’s been beside your bed for two years. Let’s do this.
If you’re here, you might also enjoy the guide to having the most maximalist, extra shower. This first step applies for showers too. Prop a bit of eucalyptus over your taps. Look, I warned you that this would be extra. Bash the leaves first with something heavy (a bottle of wine will do) to get the scent going, then let the steam from your hot taps reach it and transport you into your own Herbal Essences ad. Minty fumes will break your sinuses open and you will feel like the cleanest, freshest version of you. If you’re really extra, try it with lavender or mint too.
Are you even having a serious bath if there isn’t a mask on every inch of you? If you’re in the group of people who has to shower pre-bath to not feel like you’re stewing in a cauldron of your own filth (I’m right there with you), wash your hair and face in the shower, then add a hair mask and face mask before you get in the tub. The steam from the bath will help the masks penetrate deeper into the hair and skin. Looking to emerge with glossy, hydrated hair? Living Proof’s Restore Repair Mask, €35, nourishes the hair and reverses damage. Looking to repair the skin and plump it up with hydration? Wear Vichy’s new hero hydrator Minéral 89 Fortifying Instant Recovery Mask, €8.50.
Fancy bath salts
This step is going to make or break your bath. If you’re bathing for a cold, the eucalyptus is going to have you feeling brand new. If you’re bathing for muscle pain, dump the biggest, cheapest bag of Epsom salts you can find into the bath. But if you’re bathing for luxury, you’re gonna need fancy bath salts. For luxury and sloughing off your dry, scaly bits, Perle de Coco Glow Body Scrub, €15 from & Other Stories is made with coconut, warm vanilla and smooth caramel. For luxury and ten hours undisturbed sleep, Neom’s Real Luxury Bath Drops, €48, contains a blend of essential oils like lavender, jasmine and Brazilian rosewood. Drop 3 or 4 full pipettes into a warm bath to banish stress.
Emerge as a new, squeaky clean person
Can’t shift the dodgy tan off your ankles, elbows or armpits? Meet your new secret weapon: Lusso Tan’s Bath Bomb, €10. First, break it in two so you can get two baths out of it. Next, drop it in the bath and let avocado oil moisturise your bod, witch hazel and jojoba oil take care of any redness and lemon oil leave you squeaky clean while making you feel like you’re bathing in an orangerie. Best of all, your dodgy tan will dissolve away. Remember, the longer you soak, the more tan you’ll remove.
Before you pass out on your bed, make time for this final step. While you’re still pink and a little bit damp, lash the body oil onto yourself. Slather a fisftul of Dermalogica’s Phyto Replenish Body Oil, €57, all over. It will nourish your skin while the light scent of bergamot, neroli, patchouli and sandalwood will make you fall asleep feeling like you’re staying in a chic vacation house in the Amalfi Coast.
Photography by @taramilktea.