
via Everett Collection
The top reasons for divorce in modern Ireland
Did you know that January is often considered ‘Divorce Month’? It’s a new year, a new you, a new chapter of life to write. But what are the main reasons couples file for divorce here in Ireland? Divorce consultant and family mediator Michelle Browne weighs in.
Those working in the area of family mediation and family law have reported an increase in inquiries for their services in the months of January and February. I have definitely experienced this surge in my own practice as a family mediator. The reasons are twofold;
1. We are hanging in there knowing this will be our last! We are simply waiting until the festive season has passed, the new presents have been played with, and the decorations have been put away.
2. Family time spent together for the holidays has been a disaster, tense and filled with rows. It has become clear that these couples cannot continue to live in such a difficult marriage.
The hype of Christmas can highlight marital difficulties and the New Year may send married couples to seek out their best route to divorce. However, the reality is that there are always underlying reasons for marriage breakdown. It is never a season that separates us.
So why is it just not enough, why doesn’t it last, why do we divorce?
That feeling of wanting. That feeling of desire. The kind of love whose kiss is so hot, you don’t want to come up for air. That truly, madly, deeply in love feeling of never wanting to be parted. That pang in your stomach and radiant unexplainable glow, that flush, that gush of love. We cannot but be ecstatic when it hits us. I do not know why love is not enough, but it’s not. As a romantic and someone who can say I’ve definitely been in love… Unfortunately, I know love alone is not enough.
Looking at the stats, marital breakdown is on the increase. But why? In my profession, dealing with marriage breakdown on a daily basis, this is a question that is put to me regularly. It is something of a curiosity for many, but for many more, there is a real interest in understanding why some relationships don’t work. On the face of it, we know the top reasons cited for marriages not working, and it paints a fairly clear picture. However, having personally experienced two marriage breakdowns and having spent hundreds of hours speaking with and mediating with couples who have decided to call it a day, I can say with certainty that the answer to the ‘why’ is an extremely complex one.
Let’s address the seemingly less complex top three reasons cited for marriage breakdown.
Yes, there is a pattern and it could, for statistical purposes, be broken down into percentages. So here goes, the top three reasons for marital breakdown; top of the list is infidelity. Secondly, not far behind, is stress-related issues (which is a very broad spectrum, including alcoholism, drugs, gambling, financial crisis, illness and special, extra needs of a child). Thirdly, loss of interest in a partner. The reasons less spoken about and that are less likely to reach me as a mediator, are physical and emotional abuse.
Infidelity
When a person has cheated and a decision is reached to end a relationship, it is indeed heartbreak. The pain felt is real, it feels like a betrayal. It is so sad and can often come as a huge shock, which adds to the trauma. Regularly it isn’t the first time, which doesn’t make it any easier. As for the ‘why’ men and women cheat, the headliners here are more simple than we might think.
The needs of one another are not being met, couples become no longer attracted to each other anymore, personality disorder, sex addiction and lack of emotional connection. On the whole, we believe that cheating is wrong and remorse is usually shown. So if we know it’s wrong, why continue to do it? Do people ever change? Is it once a cheat, always a cheat? Haven’t we been cheating since God was a boy? If the answer is yes, could it be possible that now we have less tolerance for bad behaviour or that we are being caught out more?
Without a doubt, the number one way of getting caught out is our phones and yes, the likelihood is that people have indeed not changed that much, but due to changes in technology and our general societal disdain for cheating, more cheaters are getting caught out. The fact that our generation has been taught to value themselves more than the generation before them has had an impact on our decision to split, along with the simple fact that, legally, we are entitled to divorce regardless of the reason.
Stress-related marriage breakdown
The second reason, which is almost as common a reason as the first, is what I have referred to as stress-related issues. This is by far the most complex reason and the most wide-ranging. When I first began mediating, I was taken aback by how many marital breakdowns had children with complex needs on top of the stress and strain on parents having to deal with additional needs and the day-to-day challenges of life. Fighting for our children to get the education they are entitled to, for extra resources or dealing with the health system is a hard battle for many. It can consume parents and where there are difficulties, not all relationships survive. Addictions within relationships are battles that have broken many more relationships with hurt people who are simply worn out by their own battles and they cannot see a way back. Stress breaks down communication for many people, and it’s simply too difficult to go on.
Losing interest in your partner
We all change in our appearance, so why does some love grow and others claim to lose interest? Is it in fact just a thing we say when we don’t have the same feelings that we had before? Or did we ever have real feelings of love to begin with? Did we want a family so badly that we decided that that person would do and we convinced ourselves that we did in fact love them?
Maybe we told ourselves that it would all be grand—sure wasn’t everyone else getting married?—and there was no way you were going to be ‘left on the shelf’. Or maybe you didn’t want to upset the parents by coming out as gay and you really liked her and so did the family, so you got married thinking it would all be grand.
In losing interest, people often lose respect for their partner. Without respect in a relationship, it can be extremely damaging to the self-esteem of the other person.
With these three top reasons cited for marriage breakdown, are we really discovering anything new? Have we any information to prevent the potential hurt when they do? Will an honest look at why they break down help us to make better decisions going forward? Will delving into the ‘why’ have a positive outcome? I have to believe wholeheartedly that the answer is yes.
That is if we can examine what won’t work and know what damage is caused by picking the wrong partner. If we have a conversation about the reality of marriage breakdown. If we understand that we all have more choices than ever before. We have more resources, we are more educated. We understand what ‘red flags’ are. Having a conversation about what is relevant must happen.
I should say that sometimes it’s not that complicated. A person makes a poor decision and the consequence is that it leads to the end of their marriage. That happens and will always happen. However, the reality is for a vast number of people, when you dig a little deeper, you’ll find there was often a problem with the foundation. The ‘why’ is the catalyst, but the problems are much more complex.
In Ireland, there’s been a complicated history between the state and the church that’s definitely affected us. Catholic guilt has had a large role to play in our lives. The first divorce was granted in Ireland in 1997. Figures from the Central Statistics Office (CSO) show that in the early 2000s, approximately 5,000 people were recorded as divorced.
Fast forward to 2016 and over 100,000 Irish adults were listed as divorced on our census. In the past number of years, we have seen a steady increase in those applying to our courts for divorce. Data published by the courts service stated that some 5,856 divorce applications were filed in 2021 with an 11% increase on the previous record of 5,220 in 2020. The vast majority of cases are dealt with in the circuit court system. The latest record was just shy of 6,000 applications in 2022.
Divorce is now—and will forever be—part of our lives. Whether it’s in January or July, it should be treated with compassion, empathy and the least acrimony possible. Let’s be kind to ourselves and others who we know are facing divorce in 2025.
Michelle Browne works full-time as a family mediator in Kildare. She has clients across the country and works solely with separating couples to achieve agreements outside of court.