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Solo motherhood by choice at 49, taking the road less travelled
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At 49, Kerry White chose to pursue motherhood on her own after years of inner work, reflection and a deepening trust in herself. Her journey has been joyful, challenging and often solitary, but also full of purpose. Here, she shares how she let go of old expectations, faced down all the what-ifs, and built a family in the way that was true to her.
A few months ago, while twiddling around the internet, I came across a TEDx talk by a woman called Kerry White, called The Road Less Travelled to Motherhood. I knew instantly that I wanted to speak with her. Her honesty, her clarity and her strength stayed with me long after her talk. Her story opens doors for so many others who are quietly wondering if there is another way to become a mother. In an incredible synchronicity, two days later, Kerry emailed IMAGE. So if you are looking for a sign, this is probably it.
Kerry, you became a mother at 49, by choice, and as a solo parent. Can you take us back to that decision… what was happening in your life at that time, and what gave you the courage to take that path?
This decision was a long time coming… almost 10 years. It was something that I had first considered as I was turning 40. But I was 48 when I eventually found the courage. Things hadn’t happened in the way I had hoped – ie have a family with a life partner. I was doing a professional coaching course, and I had also done quite a lot of work on myself over the years – the mind-body practices of yoga and shiatsu were an important part of my life. The work that I had been doing on myself helped me know and understand myself better. Also, a close friend of mine and her husband had a baby through egg donation. She helped inspire me. And finally, the wonderful therapist that I was working with helped me find the clarity and the courage to finally go for it.
Many women may quietly consider solo motherhood but feel overwhelmed by the “what-ifs.” What were the biggest emotional or societal barriers you imagined, and how did you decide to face them down?
There were many barriers I had to move through, but the biggest was letting go of the deeply entrenched societal beliefs that I had absorbed about becoming a mum the “normal” way. Over time, and with the support of my therapist, I came to realise that I was enough. That realisation shifted my perspective in a powerful way and allowed me to confidently make the decision to pursue motherhood at 49 – on my own – and to feel genuinely excited about it.
How did your experience of pregnancy and early motherhood differ from what you imagined?
I conceived at 49; I didn’t know what to expect. At 35, a pregnancy is called “geriatric”! Dr Google reveals a long list of medical conditions common in a “geriatric” pregnancy. So I thought that I would get some special attention at Holles Street due to my age! But my pregnancy was healthy and beautiful. Apart from a little tiredness in the first trimester, I felt better than I ever had. I was terrified something would go wrong because of my age, but with each milestone, I relaxed more and more, especially after the big scan at around 20 weeks. I was overjoyed my baby was healthy, and found out she was a girl. I was so happy, and I felt so excited. It all felt a bit surreal, and I didn’t fully believe I was pregnant till my bump started to show at around four or five months.
What kind of reactions did you encounter from others (friends, family, the medical community, or even strangers) when you chose to pursue motherhood solo?
Reactions were very positive – people close to me were just happy for me as they knew how much I wanted to be a mum. I was very open about my path, so everybody’s unspoken questions and concerns were answered. I waited till I was around two months pregnant before I shared it with most of my family. There was surprise – even shock. The person whose reaction I was most concerned about was my mum. It was, of course, the last thing she expected. She could see how happy and how well I was, and her fears diminished over the weeks. My medical team were so supportive and positive. Of course, people may have had their opinions and concerns about my choice, but I only felt the support and genuine happiness.
As a life coach now supporting women through these decisions, what are some of the most common fears or misconceptions you hear from clients considering this path?
There are a few common fears or misconceptions that people share…
- “How will I manage this on my own, without a man?”
- “What will people think”? (This is a huge one, especially in Ireland!)
- “I’m too old (to be pregnant or mother a young child)”. Medical risks, etc.
- “It will be so hard! How will I manage with less sleep/ financially/ support?”
- “I’ll never meet a man!”
Why do you think more women are choosing the solo motherhood and later-in-life route now?
A few reasons. Solo motherhood and later-in-life motherhood are more common now, and that in itself helps women to see different situations and paths as more normal. There are more role models who are older and/or solo mothers. Irish women who haven’t met “the one” at the right time are realising that they have other options.
On a practical level, there are so many clinics in Ireland – as well as further afield – that offer different fertility options for women and couples. Becoming a mother via IVF using a treatment like embryo donation is no longer a taboo topic. On a weekly basis, in the media, we hear many different stories on fertility and solo motherhood. Also, many employers now provide different fertility packages. Considering that just a few years ago, IVF was an unspoken subject in most workplaces, this is progress!
How do you think Ireland’s culture, systems, and policies need to evolve to better support solo mothers and later-in-life mothers?
For me, the biggest shift Ireland needs to make is simply recognising that families look very different today than they did even a few decades ago. Solo motherhood and later-in-life motherhood are becoming much more common, yet many of our cultural attitudes and systems haven’t quite caught up. As someone who has navigated this path, I know how important it is to feel seen, supported, and understood.
Culturally, I think we need to move toward more openness and acceptance. Solo or later-in-life mothers can still experience judgment – subtle or otherwise – about their choices or circumstances. But the reality is that women choose this path for many different personal reasons. Often, it is because this is how life unfolded. A more compassionate cultural mindset would make an enormous difference in helping women feel confident in their decision to become mothers on their own terms. On an everyday level, simply being met with empathy would make an enormous difference.
Regarding systems, healthcare and fertility services need to reflect the lives women are actually living. Access to fertility care in Ireland can be so expensive, especially for single women. Clearer pathways, proper fertility education, and more proactive support would empower women to make informed decisions earlier, and with less fear or shame. And after pregnancy, solo mothers in particular need services that understand they may not have another adult to lean on. I’d love to see the care services amended to extend the care beyond the first couple of weeks of becoming a new mother.
From a policy perspective, the gaps are still too large. Childcare affordability is one of the biggest challenges for mothers, especially those on a single income. More subsidised childcare and more adaptable parental leave policies would make a huge difference in everyday life.
Ireland is a family-oriented country, but families today extend beyond the traditional type. I would love to see Ireland design its support systems around the reality of many women’s lives today. Every family – no matter how it’s created – deserves to feel respected and supported. I feel that things are moving in the right direction, but slowly.
Tell us about your TEDx Talk, The Road Less Travelled to Motherhood. What do you hope people understand from hearing your story?
Standing up on the iconic red dot to speak about my path to Freya was incredible. The talk was almost eight months in the making – from the time I was selected to the day in October 2024 at TEDx Tralee – yet the talk was just 15 minutes! I wanted everybody to take away a positive message, not just the women still holding onto their dream of motherhood, despite their circumstances. The talk opens with a moment six years earlier, when I was on the cusp of making my final decision to pursue solo motherhood aged 48. I talk about the inner turmoil I had felt at that moment, and also for many years before.
The main message is that if we have a deep longing to do something, it’s worth trying to fulfil this dream. I talk about the insights that I had to listen to my inner voice, and importantly, to trust it. Towards the end of my talk, I summed it up in a way that I feel will resonate with anybody with a calling to fulfil an important dream:
“I’m not saying that the road-less-travelled is always the best road to take. Like my choice, there may well be complexities in making your own tough decision. But, if you are on a path that is not bringing you towards meaning and fulfilment, then perhaps it is time to consider a different road. Why not a road-less-travelled? It’s not the easy road. It’s a journey into the unknown. Like anything in life, there is no certainty. But this road may just bring you to the most incredible, beautiful destination…”
You’ve spoken about the loneliness that can accompany solo parenting. Where have you found your sources of support, joy, and community?
The almost six years since Freya was born have felt both very lonely and also very connected and supported. The days have been busy and full, yet the evenings and often weekends have felt lonelier than any other time in my life. My main sources of connection and support have come from some close friends and my mum – these have been constant. I have also made some genuine connections and friendships through Freya’s pre-school, and also from an SMBC (solo mum by choice) community. Some of my closest friends live in Switzerland, where I lived for many years, and these friendships give me what I value the most – love, joy and genuine friendship for both Freya and me.
Mothering a baby/ young child can be intense, and mothering solo even more so. It’s so important to find a way to look after ourselves and to find moments of joy (outside of gazing into your baby’s eyes!), however that may be. Finding community is so vital. We need to be able to connect with others who understand the challenges and can empathise, and sometimes offer practical support. There comes a time when we need to find some parts of ourselves again. Whatever brings you joy, make sure you prioritise it! I find it most days by getting out in nature, jumping into the sea with a friend, and having a solo boogie in my living room, followed by some yoga.
Since quite recently, I’ve been in a loving and supportive relationship with a wonderful man, which brings me more love and support than I ever could have imagined. One of the fears or misconceptions that many women have, as I mentioned above, is that it will be impossible to meet a man as a solo mum. Yes, for a few years, there is not much space for anything other than taking care of your baby/ child. The right time for me to open up to meeting somebody again was when Freya was over five. I wasn’t ready before. And I met somebody very understanding and supportive. Life is feeling quite nice and much easier with a loving partner by my side. I feel very lucky.
For women reading this who are curious about solo motherhood but scared to take the leap, what would you say to them?
There’s so many things I could say!
- If you’re single and actively looking for a relationship, are you able to give this a break for a while? Use this time to work on yourself, and to take the focus and pressure off dating.
- Explore your options. Look into options that you may never have considered, such as using a donor. It’s normal to be stuck in certain ways of thinking, without really questioning our reasoning. Can you educate yourself more and open your mind to another possible way?
- Find somebody you can talk to, who can empathise and listen with openness, without judgement. A specialised coach or psychotherapist is a worthwhile investment.
- Be mindful of who you discuss your situation with. It is easy to take on other people’s opinions and fears, especially when these people are important to us. Remember that this is your life, and your choices.
- Connect with other women who understand and can empathise.
A final word. Mothering young children can be intense, and mothering solo even more so. It’s so important to find a way to look after ourselves and to find moments of joy (outside of gazing into your baby’s eyes!), however that may be. Finding community is so vital. We need to be able to connect with others who understand the challenges and can empathise, and sometimes offer practical support. Whatever brings you joy, make sure you prioritise it. Feeling lonely and isolated as a solo mum can be normal at times, so building your community will really help you navigate these times.
I always say that no matter how challenging some days are, the big picture is that I have Freya. She is my world and my joy.
Watch Kerry’s TEDx Talk, “The Road Less Travelled to Motherhood”, here.
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