Arrival fallacy: eternal happiness is not waiting at the end of your goals

We’ve all been there – thinking that everything will look and feel better when ‘the thing’ happens. Yet when it does, when we get what we have dreamed of, and we’re left feeling totally underwhelmed, we get confused. What did I do wrong? Why don’t I feel happier? This is what I have been working towards. It’s what I have wanted, it’s what I have been waiting for…

Harvard psychology expert Tal Ben-Shahar, describes this thought trap as the ‘arrival fallacy’ – “the illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.” This isn’t, in fact, how it works. You only need to Google ‘how the lives of lottery millionaires went disastrously wrong’ to see a list of big winners who will readily admit that winning it ruined their lives.

There is a common misconception that when we arrive where we have long wanted to be and achieve what we long wanted to have, we’ll become the version of ourselves that will guarantee happiness, excitement, and success. We’re utterly convinced that we’ll feel much better than we do now. But then, the anti-climax kicks in, and we start to recognise that feeling of disappointment. We start to consider that maybe this wasn’t the golden ticket after all.

Over a decade ago I was coming out from under a thick cloud of grief when I finally made the decision to move to Spain. I say ‘finally’ as this had been something I’d dreamed of doing since I was a teenager but never felt able to make the jump. Now that both my parents had died, and I didn’t have the responsibility of being here to look after them, I felt free to go where I wanted. I was ready to fulfill my lifeline ambition and to receive all the amazing things I just knew it was going to bring me. Long story short – it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, that year in Spain changed so much for me, I loved it and will never for a moment regret the big adventure that it was and I should mention I came home with a cat in tow! Above all it gave me space to breathe and room to grieve, but I went thinking I was going to find myself there and I didn’t.

What did happen was that I became the embodiment of the concept that no matter where you escape to, there you are. No matter how far I travelled I couldn’t avoid the pain of the grief that I was experiencing. Of course, it was rather lovely living in such beautiful surroundings, but if I thought that my worries and concerns would magically disappear, I was very wrong. By running away (which was exactly what I was doing), I was trying to numb the pain. I was hoping that being somewhere else would help me rush my way through the grieving process when if anything it stalled it.

I know now that all our problems are connected to our mind – memories, emotions, feelings and in one way or another they will always hunt you down and find you. They won’t ever let you escape the inevitable until you confront them which I quickly realised. So, trust me, running away from your problems is a race you can never win. To avoid this feeling setting in, it’s vital that you do your best to confront what’s going on deep inside of you. If you’re hurting, feel let down, or disappointed with how your life is progressing, you need to acknowledge this. If you achieve success, and yet feel despondent, you need to ask yourself honestly why is this happening – is this really what you wanted or might you be chasing someone else’s dream?

Avoid falling into the trap that if you keep looking ahead and aiming in the same direction, you’ll eventually reach the level of success and happiness you desperately crave. Instead, consider the possibility that by focussing on how you feel right now, in this precise moment, you could find the key to your personal happiness and your success, right in front of you.

Let go of the pressure the world places on you to constantly go chasing something that is in fact mercurial, and dismiss the idea that arriving somewhere is always the answer. It’s not. Your own definition of happiness could very well be located at every point along the journey, but only if you give yourself permission to see it! In the words of American author Jim Rohn, “happiness is not something you postpone for the future but something you design for today.”

Niamh Ennis is Ireland’s leading Transformation Coach and author of Get Unstuck who through her private practice, writings, programmes, workshops and podcast has inspired and helped thousands of people to make significant changes in their lives. She’s an accredited Personal, Leadership & Executive Coach and the Lead Coach in the IMAGE Business Club. If you’re ready to make change and need help, Niamh is hosting an intimate, online 5-week group programme this autumn called ‘What if.’ Follow Niamh on Instagram @1niamhennis or niamhennis.com.

Photography by Estée Janssens on Unsplash.