A new year has dawned, a fresh page full of #promise, #goals and #positivity, only let's leave the annoying hashtags behind in 2017, along with everything else on this list says Sophie White
"We've hit peak avocado." A new Whatsapp pinged in along with this picture of an avocado masquerading as a burger bun courtesy of @veganvultures.
"Avocados have actually lost the run of themselves," I chimed back. I wouldn't mind but it was actually about the 10th time last year that we'd called it. #PeakAvocado.
In 2017, if someone had posted on Instagram that they were now wearing avocados as shoes, no part of me would've been remotely surprised, I wouldn't even have blinked. That's how insane the Avopocalypse got last year. Of course avocados weren't the only thing we were overdosing on and so here in no particular order is all the things we have GOT to leave behind in the dumpster fire that was 2017.
The phrase 'Giving me life'
It's over kids, which is sad because I never even got around to using it in the end. I spent months trying it out in my head and carefully listening to the context in which other younger people were using it and then when I was finally, finally INCHING towards casually dropping it into conversation, I realised 'giving me life' was over. Devastating.
Kill the mythical beasts, please. Every time I see a unicorn cake on social media or a snap of some unicorn hair or some unicorn toast, I imagine a doleful unicorn standing in a magical field somewhere just pleading for the lethal injection to put it out of its misery.
Okay, I'm all for taking care of our mental health and minding ourselves but the self care hashtag is hitting epic ridiculousity at this stage. Self care in theory is all very good but I think we are now stretching the boundaries of what actually constitutes self care. I feel I could literally beat someone to death while burning a scented candle and eating a Mars bar, hashtag it 'self care' and the likes would come rolling in.
Mermaid hair, mermaid lips, mermaid whatever. Let's just drop the mythical creature inspo (see unicorns above).
We are not stupid, we know what you're doing, we have heard of fillers, ya know. My particular fave brand of filler denial comes from (usually) self-proclaimed wellness gurus who wouldn't let so much as a whisper of refined sugar passed their lips but are more than happy to stuff them full of filler.
Being 'real' on social media
The social media filtered reality has hit a new level of meta in the 'being real' trend. Whenever I hear of an influencer or celebrity being lauded for their 'realness' I have a creepy feeling that perhaps I'm trapped inside an episode of Black Mirror. Clearly we have hit some cultural apex of bullshittery if now the mere act of not being totally disingenuous and putting on a completely false front is commendable.
Feeling 'Cute AF'
That's great hun but can we put a cap on how often you get to post that sentiment to your feed? You feeling 'cute AF' in 6 out of every 7 #ootds is overkill.
The dogs in the streets practically are trailing around in Rixo at this stage. Soz guys, Rixo's over (full disclosure: the may or may not be due to the fact that I can't afford these heavenly creations #bitter.)
I'm not saying down with being appreciative of the good things we have in our lives but it's using the hashtag to do what is actually a thinly-veiled round up of all the amazing things you've achieved lately. "I'm just so #grateful for all the incredible opportunities I've had this year..." *goes on to list all the things they've done in the last six months...*
White Irish People Using Getto speak
You is not cute, we is not amused.
Jumping On The BoPo Band Wagon
I get that you need to cash in on any ole buck that might be going but did it ever occur to you, as a thin white woman, whose body has never been belittled or marginalised by the media, that perhaps the Body Positive bandwagon may just be on you might have to let pass?
Hope you have a #blessed 2018 filled with #goals and #inspo! Namaste.
Photo credit Michael Dam, Unsplash