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Image / Editorial

Who Do You Dress For? Your Boyfriend? Yourself? Your Amazon Robot?

by Holly O'Neill
03rd May 2017

Who do you dress for? Your boyfriend? Your Instagram feed? Yourself? Your Amazon Echo Look robot?

Hey, I bet that in 2012 when you were panicking about the apocalypse and global warming, you’d have thought that if we made it through to 2017 despite the end of the Mayan calendar or whatever we were worried about then, the technology of 2017 was gonna be pretty snazzy. Flying cars and machines that gave birth to your children for you and a button you could press that would make pizza appear at all times.

Bet when you pondered where technology would bring us in the future, you were thinking: Wouldn’t it be sweet if somebody could build a robot that…

…. confirmed my feelings of self-doubt aren’t unsubstantiated? I mean, living in this brain of worry and’self-hatred is pretty tough but you know what would be really great? If somebody could use maths to build an algorithm that will scientifically confirm that I only got three likes on my Instagram OOTD because yep, I do look crap today.

Well here we are – your wishes, my self-esteem less friend, have been answered.

Amazon’s Echo Look will “easily take full-length photos and short videos with a hands-free camera” that can make you look less like you and more like someone stylish with a built-in LED lighting, depth-sensing camera, and computer vision-based background blur.

You can also criticise yourself “from every angle with the companion app” and “get a second opinion on which outfit looks best with Style Check, a new service that combines machine learning algorithms with advice from fashion specialists”.

I know what you’re thinking. About time! Why wasn’t this around sooner? Honest, genuine feedback on how unattractive I am from a robot. This is the future!

What about the ginormous suit trend? Or baggy denim? Is Fashion Director Marie Kelly gonna tell me my baggy ripped jeans are dead stylish and then I’ll get shot down by some hoodie-wearing-Silicon-Valley-techbro’s algorithm when I go home later?

Naturally, it wouldn’t be the times we were living in if someone hadn’t found a way to cash in on these insecurities, so Amazon has found a way to monetize on your crippled self-esteem, because “Echo Look helps you discover new brands and styles inspired by your lookbook.” For example,??”Yeah, robot says your outfit sucks and your beloved leopard print loafers are ugly. Why not buy this better outfit from our sponsors?”

We only have so much time on this planet, so why wouldn’t we?build robots that?can confirm?our self-hatred? It’s what the Mayans would have wanted if they?thought the world?would go?on. Please remember, before you go spending a couple of hundred Euro that if you’re looking for a truly honest opinion to confirm your outfit is crap, don’t forget that human interaction still exists and you can always ask your mother.