For anyone who’s had a crush on their local Tesco cashier guy at some point or another, this is for you…
Look, I’ll say it straight
I’ve got a thing for the Tesco cashier guy down the road
Simply put, I think he’s the ying to my yang,
And I’m the scanner to his barcode.
“Howiya” he mumbles
As I shimmy up to his till
And when he asks “Do ye need any bags with that?”
Oh, it just gives me such a thrill.
The speed at which he swipes my produce
My god, he does not miss a beat!
And how I swoon when he finishes it with
“Eh, d’ya wanna keep the receipt?”
If only you could hear my heart flutter
Whenever the self-service machine says “ASSISTANCE REQUIRED”
And I see my Cashier Casanova roll his eyes and march over
To tell me the promo deal for my cheese is now expired.
This guy doesn’t slack on the job either,
Oh no, he’s forever racing around the store
Wailing “Ah jesus christ, for feck sake! Not again!”
When the intercom announces “CLEAN UP ON AISLE FOUR”.
The moment we first locked eyes
I knew we had a strong connection
When all of a sudden the windows steamed up
As we crashed trolleys in the frozen food section.
It turned out the freezers where just on the fritz
Which would explain the sudden steam and the perished food
But that didn’t stop me imagining a life with this man;
Our wedding; home; and bargain-loving brood…
Sweeter than the confectionery he stocks every morning,
Hotter than the chilli and mustard, too,
My Tesco Cashier Guy even makes his uniform look hunky
Which, truth be told, not everyone can do.
He forever plays it coy with me though
Pretending like he “doesn’t feel that spark”
But I know deep down, he feels what I feel
Ignore me as he may when we lock eyes down in the car park…
My friends say I need to get a life
That my obsession is weird, if not somewhat alarming
But I don’t care, they’ll never understand
My love for my Tesco Prince Charming