I would just like to preface this article by saying that I, for one, adore Gwyneth Paltrow and think her website goop is glorious. Body brushing changed my life, I adore mindfulness diaries as much as money diaries and I am in love with the LA doctors on the goop podcast who talk about health foods that Ireland won't hear about until 2025. Oh, you're still eating kale? In 2018? Sorry but myself and the rest of LA are on ashwagandha now. I own sage, a jade roller for my face and I wish I knew more about crystals. Jean Godfrey June is a beauty icon and I would buy anything with her seal of approval.
Contrary to what you and everyone else says, it's not all vaginal steaming jade eggs. Not that this article will change your opinion of GP, if you like to shout "vaginal steaming jade eggs" whenever her name pops up, which has happened to me in every single conversation I've tried to have about Gwyneth Paltrow ever.
So there you have it, I'm a big goop fan. Yet every Christmas, the goop gift guide comes along with much astonishment and bewilderment and scorn attached, because it's always a little... wacky. It's an annual headline grabber, and so, here we are.
This year, there's a Wellness Junkie Gift Guide (marble dumbbell, anyone?), a Men's Gift Guide including a joyous rose gold razor that I would adore on my bathroom vanity, The Host's Gift Guide with all the dinky appliances of your interior dreams and lots more good stuff. Don't miss The Lover's Gift Guide, complete with a studded leather whip, a book of nudes and something called Sex Oil. Yeah, me either.
Let's bypass those genuinely good gift guides and go straight to the one we're all here for - the goop-titled Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide. If the title 'Ridiculous But Awesome' has you thinking of novelty ties with tree lights attached or a Christmas jumper with Drake on it that says "I know when that sleigh bell ring" – well, this gift guide definitely isn't that.
A Spanish village
If this is your first experience of a goop gift guide, buckle up. First up on the goop Ridiculous But Awesome gift guide is... a village in Spain. It's not a suggestion that you say, take a little break to a village in Spain, go there on a holiday. The village is the present. The goop guide is suggesting that you buy someone a village, in Lugo, in Spain, for Christmas. Oh, and for $172,910. A little too much for the office Kris Kindle, maybe.
Louis Vuitton x Grace Coddington pyjamas, price upon request
Next up, Louis Vuitton pyjamas. Made in collaboration with Grace! Coddington! Plus the three worst words when used in conjunction together, the three words that send a chill down the spine of anyone lusting after an object they've spotted in magazine – price upon request. Are you there, Santa? It's me, Holly.
Hot air balloon your way over Everest
Why risk death and disease on the trip to the summit of Everest when, from $5,950, you can see it from a hot air balloon?
Gold rolling papers
Not just gold though – 24 karat gold hemp blend cigarette rolling papers. Titled by goop, "pot of gold." Ten points to GP. Let the good times roll.
You best believe that if I was on Gwyneth Paltrow's salary (goop is now ten years old and worth an estimated $250 million) I'd be using this $7,700 Hermès surfboard to do my ironing on.
If Andy Warhol made interiors, he would absolutely have created this $340 lamp. I don't know who you're supposed to gift this to, but I do know that me and my savings account are consciously uncoupling this month because I need this banana in my life.
Sleep in a bubble in Reykjavik from $515, the trip influencers would sell their grannies to capture on Instagram.
And that's it for another year! Check out the full Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide from goop here and feel free to buy me a banana lamp or rose gold razor. Never change, goop.
Featured image from goop.