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Social media is in fact a microcosm of the world at large. It represents everything that is good and bad, the light and the shade, the potential and the obstacles – all in one place; and while we all actively engage with it, and admittedly regularly enjoy it, we are also oblivious to the negative impact it is having on who we are and how it leaves us feeling about ourselves.
How people are online is rarely if ever how they are offline.
Whilst that can be said of many scenarios; such as how we behave at work versus how we are at home, or how the way we act around strangers or acquaintances is at variance with how we are with our close friends and family; the real difficulty lies in the fact that as we observe behaviour on social media, we believe it to be fully representative of how things are all the time. When we see someone online, we assume that what we see is showing us who they really are and as a result we accept that, how that makes us feel, is also true.
We’ve been told all too often, that what we see on social media is just a glimpse, a highlight reel, edited to put forward the side that others want us to see. Yet, when you have distinct visual evidence right in front of you, suggesting otherwise, it is extremely challenging to remember it at that very moment.
How they make you feel.
You can convince yourself that you’re simply being nosy and curious; you can act as if you know, deep down, that it’s all smoke and mirrors, but let me invite you to check in with how it makes you feel. That’s the true measure. If following someone leaves you feeling motivated, happy, encouraged and enthused then these are your people. If, on the other hand, each time you see them online you are left feeling disheartened and demoralised, these are the people you need to mute and possibly temporarily step back from.
We must be honest and acknowledge that the desire to be like someone else is never motivating. Your reason for being on this earth is not to be a better version of everyone else but to be the very best version of yourself. To do this requires connecting directly with your own life experiences, your inner wisdom, your individual ability and your very own personal aspirations. No surprises then that you won’t find any of this on someone else’s social media feed.
I’m guessing that you have all experienced those times when you were feeling quite good about yourself. You may have received some good news or recognised that something in your life has gone well. You might even allow yourself to entertain a certain amount of pride and gratitude for this experience. Then, out of nowhere, a wave of uncertainty quickly turns into a tsunami of insecurity and you’re left grasping for ideas on how you can be better and do better.
You want what they have.
Mindless scrolling can be insidious – because no matter how many likes you get for thoughtful content, someone else has more. No matter how many lucrative contracts you secure, someone else will have secured bigger and better ones. No matter how many subscribers you get for your new online programme someone else will have sold theirs out quicker. No matter how deep your friendships are, someone else will appear to have many more. No matter what you have, someone else always has more.
What happens next not many will admit to, but most will recognise. You make yourself better by finding those who you believe don’t have as much as you have, who haven’t achieved what you have and wait to feel better in yourself because of it. You fall into the trap of trying to pursue validation that what you’re doing is good enough, that you are good enough.
This never works. Why? Because seeking approval externally will never, ever feel enough. If you don’t feel it inside you can’t create it on the outside.
Your choice.
Whether it’s the keyboard warriors or those just looking to impress or seek approval – have you considered that in all of this, you have a choice? You let them in or you don’t. You allow them into your head space or you protect yourself and keep them out. You follow them or you mute or unfollow them.
It’s all a choice, it’s your choice. Taking them out of your space gifts you with that room to breathe and to regain perspective; to focus on fighting your own insecurities without adding to them. Keeping them there simply keeps you small.
Consider this your point of unlearning. This is when you become aware of what you do each time that you follow someone who makes you feel less about yourself. Commit to creating a greater balance between your ambitions and your achievements. Focus on delivering the life you know you want, rather than the one you see others having.
I’ll leave the last word on your quest for validation to American author and philosopher, Vernon Howard, “A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.”
Niamh Ennis is Ireland’s leading Change and Transformation Coach and Author of Get Unstuck who through her private practice, writings, programmes, workshops and podcast has inspired, activated and helped thousands of people to make significant changes in their lives. She is an accredited Personal, Leadership & Executive Coach and the Lead Coach in the IMAGE Business Club. Niamh is currently accepting applications to her RESET for Change 1-1 Programme starting in September. Follow her on Instagram @1niamhennis or at niamhennis.com.
Photography by Unsplash.
This article was originally published in June 2023.