Unpacking the Jonah Hill controversy

Speaking out about her former partner, Brady began sharing a series of Instagram stories last week detailing how Hill was allegedly “emotionally abusive” during their time together. “This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan. Call me if you need an ear,” she said, accompanying this with screenshots of old text conversations between them and labelling Hill a “misogynistic narcissist”.

In the phone messages, Hill claims to be setting out his “boundaries” – asking Brady to remove bikini photos of herself from her Instagram feed, stop “surfing with men” (she’s a surfer), and stop engaging in friendships “with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past” amongst other things.

After Brady said that she had deleted the posts Hill was uncomfortable with, he responded by telling her it was a “good start” but that she didn’t “seem to get” his point. “But it’s not my place to teach you,” he allegedly wrote back. “I’ve made my boundaries clear. You refuse to let go of some of them and you’ve made that clear and I hope it makes you happy.” 

Another exchange sees him berate Brady for her modelling career, claiming it is “the last profession [he] would be with as a partner”… he knew she was a model (and surfer) before they got together.  

In a follow-up post, Brady – who was in a year-long relationship with Hill until their breakup in 2022 – admitted that though she too struggles with her mental health, she doesn’t use it to “control” people as he did to her. “It’s been a year of healing and growth with the help of loved ones and doctors to get back to living my life without guilt, shame and self-judgment for things as small as surfing in a swimsuit rather than a more conservative wetsuit. And I’m sure there’s still much more healing from this abuse ahead of me,” she continued. 

“I hope my ex has a daughter. Maybe it will turn him into a real feminist, because the fact that he calls himself a feminist now is laughable. If I could have one wish for him it would be that he is surrounded by feminist men who can hold him accountable to grow in the ways he has expressed he wants to,” she wrote in another post. 

“I think fame can put people in an echo chamber of viewpoints, which can enable emotionally abusive behaviour.” In a final post, Brady acknowledged that someone being an emotionally abusive partner “doesn’t mean that they’re a terrible person” and that more often than not, it stems from someone’s own trauma. “At the same time, it doesn’t mean it’s ok.”

Hill’s own struggles with mental health and anxiety have been well-documented as have his therapy sessions with leading psychiatrist Phil Stutz – the star of a documentary Hill directed and produced earlier this year. “I have finished directing my second film, a documentary about me and my therapist which explores mental health in general called Stutz. The whole purpose of making this film is to give therapy and the tools I’ve learned in therapy to a wide audience for private use through an entertaining film,” Hill wrote in an open letter published by Deadline at the time of release.

“Through this journey of self-discovery within the film, I have come to the understanding that I have spent nearly 20 years experiencing anxiety attacks, which are exacerbated by media appearances and public-facing events… With this letter and with Stutz, I’m hoping to make it more normal for people to talk and act on this stuff. So they can take steps towards feeling better and so that the people in their lives might understand their issues more clearly,” he concluded. 

Hill is currently dating vintage store co-owner Olivia Millar, with whom he just welcomed his first child. 

Understandably, Brady’s revelations have sparked huge controversy online with many noting how Hill grossly misused common therapy terms – such as the word ‘boundaries’ – to gaslight Brady into submission. As sex and relationships expert Georgia Grace pointed out, “Controlling behaviour is not a boundary.”  

“Using language from therapy to intimidate or manipulate your partner is never ok. Jonah Hill’s text thread has everyone talking – where frameworks from therapy (i.e. setting ‘boundaries’) were used to justify abusive and dangerous behaviour,” she continued, also sharing an infographic to help people differentiate between controlling behaviours and healthy boundaries. Actions imposed on others regarding what they can or can’t do is a controlling behaviour as is placing the responsibility on the other person to restrict their behaviour; taking action or setting limits to keep yourself safe and healthy is a positive boundary.

Matt Bernstein perfectly explains it: “Asking your partner not to work with other men is a clear and insecure attempt to control them, but asking them to not work with men because it ‘violates your boundaries’ allows you to be the victim in a control dynamic you’ve created. That is not what setting boundaries means.” Needless to say, if Candace Owens and Andrew Tate are endorsing your behaviour, it’s probably time you made some changes. 

Any man who wants to separate a woman from her friends is indeed an abuser. Abusers work by isolating their victims/partners socially. https://t.co/A5Uv144xUY

— Heidi N. Moore (@moorehn) July 8, 2023

@raychjackson

Im back with my thoughts. #kekepalmer #kekepalmerbd #jonahhill #dating #yikes

? fukumean – Gunna

Many have also compared Brady’s past situation with Hill to the current drama between actor Keke Palmer and her boyfriend. For those of you who don’t know, Palmer’s boyfriend, Darius Daulton Jackson, was recently criticised after he made comments about an outfit Keke wore to an Usher concert.  

A viral video shows Usher singing “There Goes My Baby” to Palmer, dressed in a sheer black dress and black bodysuit. “It’s the outfit tho… you a mom,” Jackson tweeted with the video, which was widely shared online, later doubling down on his comments and adding that he doesn’t want the wife and mother to his kids to “showcase booty cheeks to please others”. “This is my family and my representation. I have standards and morals to what I believe,” he finished. 

Not long after Keke gave birth, Jackson shared a video of her twerking in a skintight bodysuit on his Instagram story. He also posted a photo of himself in his underwear on his feed along with the caption “dad bod”… the double standard! The audacity!

@kekepalmer

Ayeeeeeee get into this mixxxx

? original sound – CasaDi

Keke is having none of it though, sharing a carousel post of her outfit and making TikToks using the audio “if you gon act up, I’m bouta link up”. As of now, neither Keke nor Darius follow each other on Instagram so it’s unclear what the status of their relationship currently is. 

Any man who wants to separate a woman from her friends is indeed an abuser. Abusers work by isolating their victims/partners socially. https://t.co/A5Uv144xUY

— Heidi N. Moore (@moorehn) July 8, 2023

The bottom line is that demanding control over your partner’s autonomy is not “setting boundaries”; it’s coercive control. Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves in relationships, not for other people. Hiding behind progressive therapy jargon to explain yourself doesn’t make it less manipulative. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse or coercive control, Women’s Aid offers a free 24-hour National Helpline 24/7 on 1800 341 900. It’s a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space to talk through what is happening at home and get practical support, including emergency safe accommodation. Or you can visit SafeIreland to find a local helpline.

Photography by Netflix.