The Non-Bride Chronicles: Wardrobe War

Serial wedding guests spout bile on the more contentious aspects of other people’s nuptials.

We reckon that for the few short months you get to be a bride-to-be, you should bloody well bathe in blooms. However, in the midst of living your bridey life, it can be worthwhile to think about things from another point of view: namely that of your wedding guests-to-be. How will they feel about the table plan you created based solely on who’ll look best together in photos? Or the hand-dyed table linen, which everyone better Instagram using your official wedding hashtag? And sure if you can’t laugh at yourself?

Illustrations by Chelsea Bonus

The first thought that comes into my mind whenever I receive a wedding invite is always ?WHAT on earth am I going to wear?? Not because I’m a slave to fashion, but because being uncomfortable at an Irish wedding is one of the greatest horrors known to (wo)man.

First off, it’s a long day. You’re going to be in that outfit for at least 15 hours, perhaps more, so you’d want to feel good in it, both mentally and physically. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the best wedding I’ve ever been to was the one where I wore a slouchy, jersey jumpsuit that was more akin to pyjamas than fancy wedding garb. You need something that’s appropriate for the ceremony, can handle a five-course meal, cake and many, many glasses of wine; and that won’t get increasingly tighter as the day goes on. It needs to work for dancing (Rock The Boat included), posing and also has to be seasonally appropriate – sweat patches are not a good look; nor are goose pimples.

Secondly, your rig-out has to look nice, but not upstage-the-bride nice – yet, it seems like every time I’m shopping for a wedding, the only appropriate items are white. One must consider length, cut, the amount of breast and leg on display – would the parish priest be disgusted by your cleavage? If you’re even a little uncertain on that one, consider it a no.

Then there are accessories. Do you wear a hat or fascinator, or is that mother-of-the-bride territory? Do you look like an awful eejit in a hat anyway? What about a wrap? A blazer? How high should your heels be? Comfort is important, remember. Earrings or necklace, or both? It’s a bloody minefield and an absolute money pit; and that’s without considering sucky-in knickers and the inevitable beauty treatments that you’ll need to be presentable.

And I don’t just worry about my own outfit. I pity the poor, poor groom in his vile debs-esque morning suit, complete with shiny gold jacquard waistcoat. I fret about the big-boobed bridesmaid who really shouldn’t be wearing strapless, but was convinced it looked good by the other neat-busted witches.

I, for one, would like to attend every wedding from now on, wearing the aforementioned jumpsuit. Maybe it could be my thing. I wonder how many nuptials it would take before a Bridezilla banned me and/or my beloved onesie? There’s a divillish part of me that really wants to give it a lash.

By Vicki Notaro

*This article originally appeared in IMAGE Brides Summer/Autumn 2015

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