The lingering gender pay gap: One woman’s expert advice on how to narrow it

Meg Walker

Inequality in women’s healthcare: why it happens, why it matters and what we can do...

Erin Lindsay

#IWD21: Alix Mulholland captures the scents of the Irish countryside

Eoin Higgins

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry had no choice but to go on Oprah

Jennifer McShane

This Sandymount home with stylish interiors is on the market for €1.3 million

Megan Burns

Amanda Gorman: ‘One day you’re called an icon, the next day, a threat’

Jennifer McShane

Sneak peek: Stylist Sarah Rickard on how to wear the Simone Rocha x H&M collection

Lauren Heskin

Screen time has exploded in our household during lockdown. How worried should I be?

Amanda Cassidy

Limerick’s Spice Vintage shop owner Grace Collier on how she’s beating the Covid business odds

Erin Lindsay

Image / Self / Real-life Stories

How to be the daughter of a complicated mother


by Amanda Cassidy
07th Nov 2020

In this personal essay, Amanda Cassidy talks about the complicated relationship of mothers and daughters, and how it’s further complicated by life’s Big Issues


When I was five, in the schoolyard of my primary school in Co Kildare, I ran head-first into a wall during a particularly vigorous game of chasing. It was the first time I tasted my own blood – a salty, throbby trickle that stuck to my fingers as I instinctively placed my hand over the streaming wound.

A teacher scooped me up and walked the 200 meters to my house – the local pub in the tiny rural town. I remember her telling me to be a brave girl so I didn’t make a sound. Not a peep.

My father plucked me quickly and quietly from the teacher’s arms. A panicker by nature, my mother was above the bar in the three-bedroom apartment where I lived with my sister and two brothers. You can still see our Tom and Jerry curtains from the street.

She heard the commotion that Tuesday morning and ran down the steep stairs, through the keg storage area and into the pub lounge where I was curled up among the red cushions on the worn leather couch.  My fingers tracing the seams of its perfectly straight lines.

Cherished

Her immediate yelp of concern activated all my stored up tears. She fell over me, protectively, pushing the others away, shushing my sobs and dabbing at the crimson stain now covering one side of my face. Everything will be alright she told me. And I believed her. I always believed her when she said that.

A doctor came to inspect my injury but told my parents that the cut that jutted out from the corner of my eye was simply too jagged to stitch. It made me imagine my skin like the edges of the pinking shears that she kept in her sewing basket – a zig-zag of ridges that refused to knit back together. Disconnected.

When we moved county, into a ‘real’ house two years later, the scar had already been absorbed into my face, a little depression on the left side that girls at my new school asked about shyly.  For some reason when I think of my childhood, I always remember that injury. It stands out.

Not only because it was my first experience of understanding pain and fear, but because it marked the first conscious memory I have of being minded, of feeling safe when I needed help most. Did I have a happy childhood? I think I did, yes.

I think what came after made me question some of it. But when I remember those early moments now, there is no white-washing, no uncertainty when it came to feeling absolutely secure.

Cherished.

Fragile

I see remnants of a shared history with my own children now. I rub their noses like my mother did to me, croon over their bad dreams with the same soft voice she used, and kiss-cut knees on gangly legs with pizazz. I learnt how to be a mother from her.

But being told I am like her now comes with complications –  for I loved and lost and am still searching for that lost thing.

Motherhood is complex. And we don’t talk about that enough. The emotions that come with that responsibility can frighten. A tiny person is placed in your arms and it’s down to you to raise them up. With love, yes, but also with integrity, clean nails, a good education.

It’s a never-ending project, like incomplete homework, an eternal project you can never study for…all wrapped into one whirlpool of a life in your hands. And you are painfully aware of the fragility of all that is being asked of you.

In some parts of the animal kingdom, once you have reproduced and taught your young to fend for themselves, your job is done – you are redundant. As a living creature, your time is up. Perhaps the complicated part of the human motherhood bond is when adult children try to reconcile their grown-up relationship with their parents in all their uncomfortable fallibility.

No longer so vulnerable, the bond becomes untethered, unsecured from the mooring of hero worship.

Or maybe that’s just alcoholism.

Alcohol was what eroded the glue of my relationship. But for others, it is depression or betrayal or abandonment. Problems like these can permeate into the cracks of our lives as we grow, pushing apart the foundations of all that we’ve known. Crumbling even the strongest bonds.

I want to find the blueprint on which she based that time in her life so I don’t build a crooked house.

Blueprint

I look at my daughters as they sleep at night. Identical in every way except for how they sleep. Youngest girl looks as if she is an advertisement for bedlinen, her face serene and peaceful, hair flowed out neatly over the pink patchwork pillow, barely shifting her position even once in the night.

Oldest sleeps as if it is a sport, her body arched out, taking up every available morsel of her bed, hair inevitably strung across her open mouth, Olympic-medal-worthy snores.

I see myself in them – the same heart-shaped face, similar oval eyes. And I try to trace back the exact moment, that unperceivable shift when my own mother leaned away from nurture and towards self-destruction.

When do you swap rubbing little noses for refilling a glass? As if knowing this point on a map can ensure I take the opposite path. I want to find the blueprint on which she based that time in her life so I don’t build a crooked house.

But the pragmatist in me knows that we will never understand the pain that leads to someone else’s choices. Just like nobody who hasn’t been the child of an alcoholic understands the futility of pouring bottles down the sink.

But you wonder, naturally, how this will affect your own mothering. You try to reconcile, by absorbing your daughter’s sleeping faces, how it all got so complicated, how any mother could choose drinking over this pure love?

And I can’t. And I’m sure she probably didn’t.

But that’s the other scar I will continue to carry, the one buried too-deep down. Simply too jagged to heal.

Image via Unsplash.com 

Read more: ‘It was like a monster came’ The silent suffereing of children with alcoholic parents

Read more: Mixing alcoholic and motherhood: ‘I never wanted them to feel unsafe, as I once did’

Also Read

Botox
premium HEALTH & WELLNESS, BEAUTY
‘I would rather poke my eyes out than get Botox’

What if you don't want Botox as a middle-aged woman? Rose Mary Roche wishes there was more tolerance of older female faces

By Rose Mary Roche

HEALTH & WELLNESS, REAL-LIFE STORIES, FASHION, SUSTAINABLE STYLE
ShareJoy: ‘At the end of the day, this is all about the love of a mother for their daughter’

By Jennifer McShane

REAL-LIFE STORIES, RELATIONSHIPS
Grief at Christmas: ‘We won’t ever forget him but we will try to cope without him by doing things a little differently’

To be grieving during the Most Wonderful Time of the...

By Amanda Cassidy

BleedinJustice
BREAKING STORIES, HEALTH & WELLNESS
#BleedinJustice: One woman’s fight to make free period products freely available in Ireland

Senator Rebecca Moynihan on women's health in Ireland, the BleedinJustice campaign and the importance of public consultation.

By Lucy White

HEALTH & WELLNESS
Sprinkle some spice onto your lockdown sex life with our picks of the best toys

Despite it being 2021, the taboo around using sex toys...

By IMAGE

PARENTHOOD
Working parents without access to childcare are eligible for PUP

Working parents that don’t have access to childcare can apply...

By Shayna Sappington

RELATIONSHIPS
The rise of the narcissist and how to recognise the signs within close relationships

We are in the midst of a narcissism epidemic, according...

By Amanda Cassidy

Monica Lewinsky
RELATIONSHIPS
Monica Lewinsky will soon get to talk of scandal on her terms

It was on this day, January 17th, 1998, when news...

By Jennifer McShane