Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg want to cage fight? Dear lord, what a sad little life

Yes, really. In case you missed it (or have been intentionally tuning it out), it seems that the two tech billionaires have supposedly agreed to fight each other in a cage match. For no other purpose than to protect their pride and because, you know, they’re men and that’s what men do (please sense the heavy sarcasm).

It all started when Musk learned that Meta has plans to launch its own Twitter-like text-based social media platform, Threads, very soon. “I’m sure Earth can’t wait to be exclusively under Zuck’s thumb with no other options,” he tweeted in response to the news. He was unbothered, moisturised, happy, in his lane, focused, flourishing… or at least pretending to be anyway.

Warned that Zuckerberg knows jiu-jitsu and is not to be messed with, Musk retaliated by saying that he would be “up for a cage fight if he is lol”. The Zuck responded on Instagram (obviously) telling Musk to “send me location”. And thus began the duo’s very bizarre modern-day take on ‘we duel at dawn’. 

Originally, Musk suggested the Vegas Octagon, the competition mat and fenced-in area used for UFC fights over in the US – UFC boss Dana White is very keen to make it happen and claims “both guys are absolutely dead serious”. However, this week, Italy allegedly threw its hat in the ring, inviting them to Rome to fight like true gladiators at the Colosseum… my eyes just rolled so far back in my head.

TMZ reports that the Italian minister of culture reportedly reached out to Zuckerberg to offer up the 2,000-year-old venue for their battle. An update from the Ministry of Culture’s office claims “there has been no formal contact from the ministry nor any written document.” “Even if the news appears tasty, it is unfounded,” the statement continued. 

That might be so, but the ultimate fighting champions (if you’ve seen the Friends episode I’m referencing here, you’ll know how ridiculous this all is) are apparently very interested in the prospect of an Italian adventure and there is still “some chance” the fight might happen there.

Both men have been inundated with training offers since word of their “challenge” got out. As already mentioned, Zuckerberg has recently taken up Brazilian jiu-jitsu – when he made his competitive debut last month, he won two out of three bouts. He’s also 12 years younger than Musk.

Elon Musk has a team pic.twitter.com/4XmOAni6CG

— MMA Mania (@mmamania) July 3, 2023

However, what the Tesla boss lacks in experience, he makes up for in size; Zuckerberg is around 5ft 7ins and 11st, while Musk is nearer to 6ft 1ins and about 13st. He also seems to think that his signature move – ‘The Walrus’, which involves merely lying on his opponent – will be enough to seal the deal for him. Though he’s already admitted to not working out beyond ‘throwing his kids in the air’, Musk is currently working with Canadian wrestler and UFC fighter Georges St-Pierre and martial artist John Danaher to prep for the fight.

Musk’s mother wants him to “fight with words only” while his father told The Sun that it would be a “no-win” situation regardless of the result, so whether this fight will actually happen or not, remains to be seen.

I will say one thing though, Gretchen Wieners was onto something; when did it become ok for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Rome is about.

Photography by @zuck and @elonmusk.