Ahh, granny pants. The old, reliable brief. An undergarment that covers your every dimple, pimple and stretch mark with the kind of love and gentle understanding that you’ve always deserved.
Maybe you’re on your period, feeling a bit delicate after a night out, or you just know that today’s going to be a two-burritos-for-lunch kind of a day… Whatever the scenario, there’s no better feeling than that of a good pair of sturdy, self-assured and turbo-supportive undies when you need them most.
Reasons to love granny pants
Granny pants are the only undergarment that I could ever describe with the same level of affection and fondness that I would my actual granny. Part of the joy that comes with wearing granny pants lies in the fact that these undies have no airs or graces about them, they pass no judgement, their only concern is to support and empower you to live your best life.
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A thong, in contrast, would get a description similar to that of a sibling who always finds a way to get up your backside and hone in on your sensitive points, never failing to irritate and aggravate at the most opportune moment.
The perfect granny pant
The perfect pant will ideally cover the extent of both your full buttoxes, and should reach up to the least flattering (but most satisfying) point on your midriff - ideally were your torso reaches it widest point. This is not so that it might suck anything in, but so that it can support your girth in all its glory.
The fabric should be a good hearty cotton, maybe with a touch of polyester thrown in, if you’re feeling frivolous. But never forget that practicality is key when it comes to the granny pant. And as for colour, the more beige the better. Be sure to go for a size at least two sizes bigger than you’d usually pick, too. This is comfort with a capital C which is a specific type of comfort that has no time for mental hangups about label sizes, or chaffing.
Patterns and motifs are of course allowed, but too many of these niceties will risk you teetering into “pretty pants” territory, and thus will disqualify you from inclusion into the Granny Pants Posse.
Bridget, The patron saint of granny pants
Bridget Jones was the first loud and proud champion of the granny pants, there’s no doubt about it. She showed the world that Spanx are not a necessary requirement to bagging your boo (because as we all know, Spanx will only give you indigestion and make you feel like dough splooging out of one of those instant-croissant-making-tins, as you both attempt to peel the Spanx off when the moment of truth comes).
Embracing the sexiness (or lack thereof)
At least with granny pants everyone knows where they stand. These particular type of undergarments aren’t designed to make you feel sexy, they’re designed to make you channel your own inner sexiness, without a moment’s thought. You’re sexy because you f**king rock, not because your pants are covered in jewels, or because they barely cover 10% of your bottom.
Granny pants take out the middleman of self-confidence sourcery, and ensure that there is no doubt as to whether it’s you, or your saucy undies, that your partner is digging (a pretty important difference to establish if you ask us).
Granny pants are as ugly an undergarment as you can possibly get, and yet there’s something distinctly gratifying in knowing that you are not trying to impress anyone, not trying to suck anything in, not trying to smooth anything out. You are simply making your own comfort a priority; and it’s for this reason that I identify the wearing of granny pant’s to be a supreme act of self-love.
So go forth to Marks and Spencers, or Dunnes, or wherever your granny buys her briefs, and embrace the righteous, rambunctious feeling that comes with donning a pair of huge and hideous undies. You and your bottom will never look back.
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