Gwyneth Paltrow’s new candle smells like an orgasm and we have some questions
18th Jun 2020
Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed the follow-up to Goop’s ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle and we are a touch perplexed
Gwyneth Paltrow has finally unveiled the follow up to her notorious ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle.
The new creation is named ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm’.
The actress revealed the news on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon during a remote appearance from her home.
— The Tonight Show (@FallonTonight) June 17, 2020
Candles are candles. We are perfectly happy to buy a Jo Malone knock-off in Primark for €5 and never mull over it. However, when the said candle is named after a bodily experience or function, it’s only natural to have questions.
Does it actually smell like an orgasm?
I wasn’t even aware an orgasm had a smell. My biology teacher must have left that part out during the dreaded sex-ed chapter of fifth year. The general awkwardness of post-coital relations means anything other than the obvious need to go to the toilet isn’t noticed.
On the website, the scent of the candle is described as a blend “made with tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising and wildly addictive”.
Oh, ok, I see where she was going with the name.
The ingredients are rare.
Just like an orgasm.
How much is it?
The candle will set you back a hefty €66 ($75). This means we may have to decline the offer Gwyneth. We’ll stick to plain vanilla from Penneys, thank you very much.
This Smells Like My Orgasm candle, $75 at Goop
Can it get shipped to Ireland?
If there is some unique part of you fantasising over the candle on this isle, then you are out of luck. At this moment, plans are only to ship it in the USA.
Anyway, Ireland is still too covered in the scars of uber-Catholicism to get on board. The orgasm candle wouldn’t even make it onto the back of a Fastway van without someone attempting to perform an exorcism on it.
The sex devil must be stopped.
Does it help?
If you want some dim lighting to set the mood, then yes, it helps. If it’s for any other medical reasons, then no, it does not.
Remember, this is a burning candle and not a tool.
Goop is often criticised for its lack of medical proof behind some of its claims. In 2018 the company paid out more than €100,000 in civil penalties over products that included egg-shaped stones intended to be placed into the vagina to improve health.
Like the candle before it, the name is very tongue-in-cheek. The packaging even has fireworks doodled on it. Ah yes, fireworks and orgasms – an image giving women unrealistic expectations since the beginning of time.
It’s a no from us. How long is the queue in Primark?
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