How to navigate conflict and connect intentionally in your relationships

Navigating conflict

In all relationships, whether with our family, friends or loved ones, conflicts can arise, and the ability to successfully and mindfully navigate conflicts can be the difference between strengthening your relationships and losing them. Clarissa Herman is a social, emotional and sexual health educator and does a lot of work around conflict and intimacy, doing personal coaching, working with organisations and posting insightful videos and information to her Instagram.

Herman says our increasing inability to deal with conflict is impacting our social lives and mental health. “A big reason why we are so much lonelier than we ever have been before is because we are so much more conflict averse.” Increasingly in modern society, we can be quick to end relationships because of conflicts or fail to work through issues, damaging and losing relationships that are important to us. Herman stresses that “there is a relationship between intimacy; you often can’t have intimacy without conflict.”

You’re not fighting to be right, you’re fighting to be understood.

Herman’s work looks at how sometimes – not all the time, but sometimes – conflict comes from a desire to be heard, understood, believed and supported, and can be an important opportunity for people to get closer. “There are a lot of reasons why people start a fight or enter into a conflict. Sometimes people just want to be right. Sometimes they want to get a rise out of you. Sometimes they are feeling hurt or scared and they lash out. However, another big reason why people enter into conflict is to be understood and to get closer.”

In a post on her Instagram, Herman writes “You’re not fighting to be right, you’re fighting to be understood,” which I think many of us can relate to – but we can try to remember that this is often true for the person we’re arguing with, too, and instead of fighting to win or be right, we can focus on making each other feel understood.

Getting better at navigating conflict by aiming to understand each other better, building connection through conflict and building intimacy through disagreement can be transformative in our relationships.

Tips for navigating conflict

• Explicitly state your shared intentions when a conflict arises, expressing the desire to feel understood, respected and to reach a resolution.
• Remain curious about the other person’s experience. Ask the other person about their experience, listen and try to repeat it back to them so you’re getting more of a sense of their experience and opinion, and then swap. Understanding the other’s perspective will help you both move forward.
• Focus on behaviour, not character. Don’t make sweeping statements about people’s character, focus on behaviour and actions.
• Stay vulnerable and open. We can often attack people when we feel vulnerable, instead of openly saying, “I miss you”, “I feel unsupported”, “I feel misunderstood”. Remaining honest about these vulnerable feelings and the actions that led you there can change the tone of an argument to one of connection rather than defensiveness.
• Focus on what you have in common. Often in families, there are people we love and want to maintain relationships with, but who hold diametrically opposed views to our own. In these cases, avoid getting caught in traps of debating whose views are more correct and focus on what you have in common, like your shared values of safety, expression, empathy, freedom etc. Agree on the shared value and you may have a new way of understanding each other.
• If things get heated or anyone feels dysregulated, take a break and do some exercises to calm your nervous system, like breathing exercises, a brisk walk or splashing cold water on your face – this can calm your body which can let you stay more intentional while communicating and listening.

Connecting intentionally

Life is busy, and it’s easy for relationships of all kinds to fall into old patterns that aren’t as fulfilling as they could be. Only seeing extended family members at big events, falling into small-talk and catch-ups with busy friends instead of more meaningful connections, and losing the spark in romantic relationships. Being intentional about our relationships simply means thinking carefully about what we want from them, and consciously trying to create that kind of connection.

Reverse engineer an outcome: think of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from that outcome.

In family relationships, we can often fall into old roles and assume we know each other – but as people grow and evolve, we can continue to get to know our family members in different ways, and disrupting old, stale patterns that no longer serve us can be transformative. For friendships, being intentional about regular check-ins and trying new activities can open up new facets of the relationship, and thinking mindfully about the ways and reasons you gather can alter a dynamic completely in ways that are surprising and beautiful.

Priya Parker wrote The Art of Gathering, and writes that gathering is an opportunity to create a particular type of connection. “Reverse engineer an outcome: think of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from that outcome.” Do you want to create fun and playfulness at a family gathering? Do you want to collectively remember a loved one or express gratitude? Do you want to give your friends a chance to vent then help them feel supported? Do you want to celebrate a milestone, or a person? Thinking of your intention can help you structure how you gather or interact with people.

Tips for intentionally connecting

• Gather intentionally. Avoid the small-talk catch-up trap by having a purpose for getting together. A dinner with family or friends can feel completely different if everyone is asked to come ready to share their biggest accomplishment of the year, goal for next year or to talk about their latest obsession.
• Try something new. Whether friends, family members or your partner, try something new together. Take a class, go to a pub quiz, go on a hike or just a new restaurant. Having new experiences together is bonding and important.
• Make check-ins an inbuilt part of your routine. Waffle Wednesdays is a trend that’s gone viral online, where friend groups each share a two-minute video message with each other, updating everyone on what they have going on.
• Invest in short but meaningful contact. Try the eight-minute check-in, a research-backed short but meaningful check in between friends or loved ones that is regular and intentional enough to create a sense of connection and stave off feelings of isolation and loneliness, but not long enough to be overbearing or mess up busy schedules.
• Ask each other new questions. Apps like Agapé or Esther Perel’s card game Where Should We Begin? give you the chance to ask and answer questions designed to promote deeper knowledge of each other and to start new conversations. You can use them for your romantic partner, friends and family members – it’s particularly lovely to do with older family members and hear about their life.

Tend to your relationship spark

It can be easy to let long-term romantic relationships fall into a slightly stale routine, but research shows that romance, eroticism and desire feed on novelty and connection.

Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Relationship expert Esther Perel writes that, “Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac. In long-term relationships especially, cultivating novelty – whether through stories or experiences – is key for sustaining passion. Maintaining a sense of mystery and surprise helps counteract the routine and repetition that can sometimes lead to a decline in desire over time. Novelty sparks your curiosity, encourages exploration, and shows that even this person who is so known to you is still somewhat unknown, with untold dreams, longings, silliness, and surprises.”

Intentionally creating some new experience for you and your partner can improve your emotional and sexual connection tremendously. Try changing up the normal routine – and thank us later.

You can also invest in the emotional side of your relationship by exploring your attachment styles, thinking about your conflict styles and working on them so that when issues arise, you are better equipped to recognise and tackle them together.

Tips to strengthen your relationship

• Embrace novelty. Plan a new holiday, try a new restaurant or take turns picking a silly, interesting or unique date night so you can build memories.
• Have a regular check-in. Arrange a weekly or monthly date night where you intentionally check in with each other about what you both have coming up. Do you need any particular support, are there any issues or anxieties that need addressing? It’s also a chance to express appreciation for each other. Having a regularly scheduled check-in can prevent small issues from escalating because you can address them early, and the intentional intention can promote bonding and connection.
• Chart your micro-moments. Gratitude practices are great for mental health as they nudge us to focus on positive things. Keep a monthly list of small, enjoyable moments you had with your partner – a kind gesture, supportive moments, fun dates, new adventures, great sex. At the end of the year, go over your list together to remember how many small but impactful ways you made each other’s lives better.
• Keep date nights sacred and sexy. Even if you’ve been together a long time, treat date nights as if you’re in the honeymoon stage of a relationship – and you’ll soon be back there. When you have a date night, go all out – not on your spending, but your effort. Get ready separately. Dress up. Put your phones away. Give compliments freely and flirt with abandon. Keeping up the flirty, erotic energy of a relationship takes effort and is so worth it.
• Invest in your sex life. Talk about your fantasies, and see if you want to try anything new. Have a whole evening where it’s all about your partner’s pleasure – then swap. Learn how to give each other massages and have very relaxing foreplay. Read Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are to learn about how men and women can have different ways of becoming aroused. Buy some new toys or outfits that make you feel sexy, and enjoy.
• See a couples’ counsellor. Just like individual therapy, relationship counselling isn’t just reserved for times of crisis. Relationship therapy can help couples understand each other better and disrupt any negative patterns or dynamics that can arise in relationships.