One of our all time favourite teen movies, Clueless, is 20 years old TODAY, which of course means we too are getting on a bit. Marvellous. So as not to dwell on the negative, we’ve decided instead to revisit this timeless cinematic gem, reminding ourselves of its, ahem, transcending power and the various life lessons it taught us. Behold, fifteen things we learned from Clueless.
1. Don’t dismiss the dorky guy you’ve grown up with, considering him more of a brother type than a potential love interest. He will get hot, he will shave off his experimental goatee, you will fancy him and with any luck, he’ll look like Paul Rudd.
2. Sometimes, all you need is a make-over. Especially if you’re a ‘ensembly challenged’. Also, it’s nicer to describe someone who hasn’t had sex yet as ‘hymenally challenged’ as opposed to ‘a virgin’. Do NOT pop your cherry on some low-life; save it for someone like Luke Perry.
3. Billie Holiday was a woman. Not a man.
Christian: Do you like Billie Holiday?
Cher: I love him.
4. Popular kids aren’t always bitches. The amount of extra-curricular activities undertaken by Cher, to benefit others, was impressive.
Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
5. If you really want to cut somebody deep, you drop a zinger such as this…
6. When it comes to architecture, you can safely assume that if something was built in the 70s, it qualifies as ‘classic’.
Isn’t my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
7. There is girl time and there is boy time. If a guy says he’ll call you the next day, he won’t, but that’s okay, it’s just boy time.
Cher: Christian said he’d call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
8. Never accept a first offer. Always negotiate.
“Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, “Never accept a first offer”, so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.”
9. It’s ok to have zero geographical knowledge whatsoever.
Mel: Where are you?
Cher: I’m just having a snack at my girlfriend’s.
Mel: Where, in Kuwait?
Cher: Is that in the valley?
10. We’d be lying if we said we knew what the word ‘sporadic’ meant before watching Clueless.
Cher: Sporadically. It means once in a while. Try to use it in a sentence.
Josh: [later] Be seeing you.
Tai: Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
11. If you want to get the attention of a man, you have to draw attention to your mouth and wear as little as possible. Your brains will only take you so far, you know?
Cher: Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex. And anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
12. Dressing for an occasion is really important.
Cher: Where’s my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal. It’s my most capable looking outfit!
13. Thanks to Clueless, we know how to dispose of ill-meaning boyfriends.
Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.
14. Just don’t even bother with men until they’re well past their teenage years. At least go for a college boy.
Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
15. A colour coded, moveable, walk in wardrobe, complete with clothes-matching computer programme, is a dream we should all aspire to.