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A Letter Of Sincere Apologies To My Boobs

Dear Boobs,

Hey.

How’s it hanging?

First off, allow me to apologise for that ill-fitting but very nice bra that I made you wear for two days last week. I respect that it was a very uncomfortable experience for all of us and I am sincerely sorry. Underwired is bullsh*t and I will not be torturing you again.

As it is World Breastfeeding Week I thought I would commend you both on your accomplishments in the field of boobing. Especially you, Right Boob. I think we all know that when it comes to lactating you truly are the Dairy Queen. Left Boob, we know you tried very hard but I think we all know that despite your best efforts you were pretty redundant. There was virtually nothing coming out of that side. Even the baby looked like he was just being polite when he was on that side. But thanks for the effort all the same.

I would also like to apologise about that time that I forgot to put you away when I was answering the door to the UPC guy. And the DFS delivery guy. And the guys from number 15 who were looking for their drill back. And all the other randomers who recoiled in shock and horror at your sad deflated little boob-face. They did not know they were witnessing mega mammary greatness. They don’t get that the sadder the mammary looks, the more BOSS that boob probably is at feeding an infant.

Also on the subject of looks, I’m sorry about how much you both resemble a pair of nylon stockings with a couple of tangerines kickin’ round the bottom. Let’s try to look on the positives. You can breastfeed around corners now should the need arise. And the belly button has a little pal down there now in Left Nipple.

I also offer my condolences about putting us all through the breastpump fiasco, being milked by a double pump is bad enough, doing  it in full view of the entire street was more humiliation than  you deserved after all I’ve put you through. In my defence I was severely underslept and didn’t realise how visible we were in that spot BY THE WINDOW.

I’m sorry for that time you sprayed my father-in-law’s pant leg. That was mortifying. Though, come to think of it, maybe you actually owe ME an apology on that one.

I also am very sorry for roundly blaming you both for not being able to breastfeed the first baby very well. I can’t explain why I was so psycho about that whole thing except that I completely irrationally felt like a failure. I forgot that we were on the same team and that really it was that conniving baby’s fault anyway for not latching on properly. (Clearly still being a bit mental on this front.)

I am REALLY sorry for all the mastitis.

And for the stranger midwife who completely uninvited, squeezed milk out of Left Boob in front of the in-laws in the hospital. That seemed unnecessary. Which reminds me, I am also really sorry for that time I sent a picture to the entire extended in-laws of the first baby with little Right Boob peeking into shot in the bottom left of the photo. (On reading this, it’s occurred to me that I may need to write a separate letter to the in-laws.)

Thanks for the milk, the beautiful memories of bombing my babas and the LOLs.

Warmly,

Your Owner

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