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What Are The Kardashians?

Kardashian
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What are the Kardashians, really?

If you don’t know who the Kardashians are you’re either dead or the luckiest duck alive. And in which case stop reading this now while you still have a chance. These days the Kardashians are simply inescapable. Through the power of pop-cultural osmosis we know them all, intimately, without particularly wanting to; the big lips, the bigger booties, the hair colour changes, the break-ups and the make-up(s). They are a global brand. The Kardashian name sells not just your usual merchandise – clothes, beauty products, duct tape– but also an intimate and oddly addictive gateway into their daily lives.  You can ogle their every waking moment on any number of social media platforms, a past-time which millions upon millions of us seem compelled to do. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people who could add ‘Scroll through Kylie’s Instagram’ under the hobby section of their CV. And yes I am including Kylie and Kendall in the over-all Kardashian Empire.

attends Kanye West Yeezy Season 3 on February 11, 2016 in New York City.

But for anyone who has watched the programme it seems pretty obvious that although this familial matriarchy may be full of strong-willed women none of them have the smarts that you would expect to find behind an international power house of this magnitude. How did they get to this supranational status? Yes, yes Kim + Sex Tape = fame but those fifteen minutes ended 10 years ago and still Mrs Kardashian-West is the most googled American on the planet. This isn’t just luck for these women; they got enough of that in the genes department. Haven’t you ever wondered why you are being force fed the particularly synthetic flavour of life ala Kardashian?

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 11: Caitlyn Jenner (L) and Kris Jenner attend Kanye West Yeezy Season 3 on February 11, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Yeezy Season 3)

Theory 1- The Kardashians are propelled by the U.S. government.
Their omnipresence serves as a smoke screen, a dancing monkey, to distract and refract the gaze of the western world while the U.S. goes about their world police business – invading countries and stealing indigenous resources. We have limited energy outside of our daily duties and we end up spending the last of it getting up to date on Khloe and Lamar’s relationship. Can’t…care about…Syria. Must…keep up…with Kardashians.

Theory 2- The apocalypse is looming.
We kind of know this is coming what with the extreme weather, the ever depleting fossil fuels and all the new and exciting contagions with global mobility. Intelligent life forms from another galaxy have been watching our planet for millennia. They are aware the human race is doomed but cannot rescue us all. They have flooded our lives with the Kardashians as a test. Every time you interact with the Kardashian brand you move down on a list of humans who will be saved. Every link you click, every episode you watch and every insta you heart lowers your chance of becoming a member of the galactic alliance.

Theory 3 – We made them.
Our collective consciousness willed them into being.  The western world’s insatiable hunger for indiscriminately buying crap meant there was an opportunity for leaders to emerge, guides to show us which crap to buy, to lead us by example. We look at them and think “I want their lives ergo I must buy the crap they buy.”  In a way we worship the Kardashians like Gods. We are in awe of their existence and hope to follow their teachings to find true happiness. Also when all our crap leaves us feeling unsatisfied (as it always will) we can turn on them like any self-respecting parishioner and say “But I did what you told me and I don’t feel any better! Why did my contour fail so miserably?” We needed the Kardashians because they reflect all our hopes and dreams and that is by far the most terrifying notion.

I’d really rather the aliens one was true, or that they are the Illuminati, or secret lizard people, or a member of the Springfield Stonecutters, or a figment of my imagination.

By Elish Sheridan

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