You’ll have seen the extremely odd video of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard apologising to Australia by now, right?
If not, it’s below and you’re in for a treat. Or not. It’s not a treat in the sense of it being a ‘nice thing to watch’, no, it’s more like a circus oddity, a freak show, a bearded lady, something to point and laugh at.
If it were April Fools Day, that would be fine. Alas, we’re 17 days past that possible Get Out of Jail card for the couple.
Speaking of getting out of jail, were they really in that much trouble with the law? Screw that, were they really sorry? As sorry as they said they were for allowing their two terriers, Pistol and Boo, to enter Australia undeclared?
We’ll never know their true feelings as the 39-second clip is the most un-authentic and deeply weird piece of footage that makes me think that they must have been a) blackmailed, b) taken hostage by aliens or c) under the influence of something stronger than coffee. * read into that as you will.
All outlandish theories and dodgy script aside, what I’m more concerned about is what has happened to Johnny Depp?
This guy was a hero, a rebel. He’s a pirate, a troubadour…he’s a goddamn talented, beautiful, dangerous sex symbol who acted in myriad pivotal roles that elevated our cinematic experience.
Or he was.
Now, he looks like a slightly drunk, tired middle-aged man who has had to surrender his integrity to, of all people, the Australian immigration authorities. Over two dogs…
Really Johnny? What would your old buddy Hunter S. Thompson think? It just doesn’t quite fit.
I know it’s unfair to mock and judge when none of us know what went before the filming of that piece, and whether they were indeed given Chinese burns in order to agree to do it, but mock and judge I must.
Sorry, not sorry.
(just like Amber and Johnny)