Have you heard today’s news about boobs?
Today the New York Post announced, after the great boob drought of 2016, that finally boobs have returned! We missed them so much when they were gone. It’s been a difficult period for us all, but with continued support, tolerance and compassion, boobs persisted. We hope you didn’t throw out your old boobs but if you did, your mom probably has an old pair you can borrow from the 80’s. Or there’s tons of YouTube tutorials out there to learn how to DIY your own.
— New York Post (@nypost) 1 August 2017
In more beauty news we never asked for, we now have a beauty option that, when it detaches from your face or it falls off when you’re full of gin, will be considerably more frightening than wonky eyelashes.
Meet the brow wig.
The video above is posted by Selena Gomez’s make-up artist Hung Vanngo.
Faux brows have existed for a long time, with a noble purpose in helping cancer survivors, people who have undergone chemotherapy treatments and people with alopecia and hair loss regain their confidence without having to commit to micro-blading.
Hung Vanngo is the one to point the finger at for bringing the faux brow to the mainstream masses.
Let’s nip this in the bud right here. This is how it started with no hair! Once upon a time all the boys got together and decided we should walk around on stilts and only have hair on our heads and faces. So we created a solution – someone decided we should assault ourselves by slathering our bodies with a hot liquid, sticking a bit of paper on top and tearing the top few layers of our skin off so that we could have smoother legs. And now I have to wear tights in July if I wear a dress so no one can tell that on my naked legs, I’m already home-growing myself a pair of tights for the winter.
Who needs the extra maintenance, am I right? There’s already a whole list of beauty maintenance I’m not doing – right now my hair is chalky to the touch with dry shampoo, though I learned from Wella Professionals International TrendVision Platinum-winning hairstylist Darren Lacken in the August issue that I should use Wella EIMI Dry Me €14.95 – “a tapioca-based dry shampoo that leaves hair looking shiny – no white powder or chalky finish”. One of my fake eyelashes has turned inwards into my eye but is physically undetectable to the naked eye so I’m just sitting here with streaming eyes and indescribable pain. And my home-grown pair of winter tights is coming along very well, thank you.
Look I get it. Lots of people in the 90s tweezed their brows into an arch made of single hairs, because beauty trends told them to. Then beauty trends laughed in their face and told them to hail Cara Delevingne as the eternal goddess of eyebrows, to judge all brows on a spectrum of “fleek” and to sprout hairs out of their bald faces ASAP. Luckily that was before eyebrow maintenance was something I was even aware of. Everything I know about beauty I learned from my sister and mother, and they have at least 40 years in the beauty industry between them. The majority of (questionable) life advice my mother has give is beauty related -a particular stand-out gem is being told sternly at a young age, “do not ever put a razor near a hair on your face. When you decide you want to do something about your eyebrows, come to me.”
In a world of contouring, baking, strobing and highlighting, some of us just don’t have the skills to fake a brow. Some of us can’t tell a bronzer brush from a blusher brush. Some of us have spent hours watching online contouring tutorials only to end up with a muddy face that looks like it’s had lines drawn all over it in preparation for facial surgery.
“Some of us” can’t be just me because there are beauty brands out there who have proved that not all heroes wear perfectly winged liner. There are beauty brands who are doing what they can for those of us who have never had eyebrows that look like sisters, but eyebrows that look like very distant cousins.
Here is my brow hack for you, non-skilled person trapped in a world of makeup artists, contour kits and eyebrow wigs. You are so very welcome.
I do not have good eyebrow skillz and admire those of you who can draw individual hairs onto your face without looking like you are in a state of anger or surprise all day. ’ The Beautiful Brows Stencil Set – yes, stencil set, like a toddler – comes with three different stencil shapes: sleek, natural and bold, so you can choose the right brow for your face and look. The sleek is for thin but sharply angled brows, the natural is a more rounded and day time brow and bold is your night out brow. If I had a euro for every woman who stopped me while I was stencilling my brows in a public bathroom to ask me what I was doing and where do they buy it, then told me to shut up and take their money, I’d buy you all a Beautiful Brow set. Now you know my deepest shame and you can have fleeky brows too. Am I using that correctly?